"I am embarrassed"

A question we ask each other in everyday speech especially around a greeting is "how are you?"

I not sure how people generally respond in your part of the world but in mine it is really common to hear responses like the following:

"I fine, how are you?" (even if it isn't true)

"I'm really busy?" 

But sometimes I want to reply...

"I am embarrassed!"

Why am I embarrassed you might next ask?

Did I do something recently that was by definition something that would stir feelings of embarrassment? 

What I am talking about is embarrassment that is on another level completely.

Embarrassment that is on the level related to shame and therefore wanting to potentially hide from others.

And please know I am not sharing this with some agenda to garner attention or manipulate a response. I am honestly sharing this because I am concerned that there are many who share the same shame from embarrassment and are possibly not sure what to do next...

Here are a couple of reasons why I feel embarrassment:

1. I failed

I was a Pastor of a local Church for 11 years and before that a Pastor on staff in some large Auckland Churches. Even with all that experience I failed to grow a Church. In fact it has now closed!

I have struggled many days to not feel like a complete failure. 

Most people wonder how on earth this is even possible.

For one, they considered the job so easy that it would seem incomprehensible that you could fail.

Others who know me cannot understand why someone with my gifts and abilities couldn't make it work?

Failure is part of life. But I guess it was magnified for me as I failed in a public forum.

Not succeeding in a career or marriage or some other important endeavour to you is very difficult to reconcile.

2. I take medication

The last few years have taken a huge toll on my health, physically and mentally.

And late last year I gave in and went to the doctor for help. 

I now am on medication for all sorts of things including ridiculous blood pressure and to help me sleep.

I have never thought worse of anyone needing medicine to help them and yet when I faced the same as those I have counselled over the years, I felt embarrassed that I now need the help they received.

Wasn't I a Pastor and someone with their life all sorted?

Wasn't I someone who was supposed to have answers?

So where to from here?

Be realistic and gentle

It is ok to feel embarrassed, to feel bad, but you need to give yourself a break.

I try to remind myself this is a season, a moment in time along life's journey. Who I am today and how I feel will hopefully not be who I am and how I feel forever.

It is right to look after myself. 

To take a break. To grieve. To get healing even with medication.

Being kind to yourself will do more good than you might realise.

Be honest with the right people.

A few good friends is what you need in this moment...not a crowd of so-called friends.

If you have even one friend that you can be honest with then you are already winning and finding your way back.

Stop living how others might expect.

I have been a people pleaser all my life. I can see that more clearly now. And it annoys me so much that I lived like that, because the price for it has been high!

You and I can only be who we have the gifts and capacity to be.

I wonder whether I was trying to live beyond even who God made me to be in some vain way to win approval and prove myself?

I have learned that I need to care a little less what people in general think of me. 

What God thinks about me. What those who care about me think about me. That is fine with me and all that matters...

It doesn't matter whether I need some medical/chemical help in this season, I am still me and that is ok. And if it helps me to recover than so be it!

Have a simple strategy on how to rebuild.

I used to have a diary to rival the best of those keeping busy. 

Now I fight to keep things a whole lot simpler.

The honest truth is that my capacity for "busy" has shrunk dramatically right now and I need to be ok with that.

I refuse to work 7 days a week anymore.

I refuse to complicate my life with lots of activity.

I have limits I have imposed on myself.

This is taking time, it is hard to shift in my psyche, but simple for me is better.

Is OK to say "No" sometimes. 

That is not a sign of weakness or laziness!

Listen to wise advice from others you trust and learn to listen to your body.

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If this struck a chord with you, I truly hope and pray this blog helps you in some way.

Yes by all means go after life, but also see it as a marathon not a sprint.

I believe in you. 

You have value. 

And if you need help for a season, that doesn't make you less than someone else.

Something to think about...

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