Hurt

I have discovered recently that there are definitely some pieces of advice that are super easy to give and super difficult potentially to enact in life.
Not impossible. Just difficult.

For many years I promoted some "biblical" advice or instruction on a topic I was passionate about. I never portrayed it as super easy but something I strongly recommended if you want to do this life thing well.

I painted a picture for my listeners or readers of the easy steps one could take. I promoted strongly the super obvious benefits of going through this process.

I even regaled the audience with stories of my own past success in this area, in the hope it would encourage them to believe it was possible for them as well.

Then last year happened...

I am not talking about Covid-19 even though it played a small part.

I am not talking about the changed world in general and way of life for us all.

My life changed dramatically in the middle of the year when I found myself unemployed from what many would consider a stable, if not dramatic for most, career path as a Pastor.

I have shared in previous posts since that time that I have been on a journey of navigating burnout.

But burnout was not the only reason I found myself in this unenviable position at my stage of life.

Sadly many other people played a role in my departure from formal Church ministry.

For reasons only truly known to them, they decided the 'right thing' to do, was to leave our Church and encourage as many others as possible to do exactly the same thing.

They were people very close to us.

They were people seen as important, influential, even considered knowledgeable.

So why wouldn't people believe the bad report they gave out generously?

Many many things were said about me and my family.

Many accusations were made.

While they probably have 'good reasons' for their desire to move on, from what I had fed back to me, most of their statements were untrue and some were downright slanderous lies. 

Even as I type this some 7-8 months later, I honestly find it painful to think about.

Something in my heart hurts to some degree.

Time may have dulled the acute pain, but something is still there.

And that is what I want to share about today...

I know in my heart of hearts, in the very core of my being, that I need to forgive them.

But honestly part of me doesn't want to.

I don't want to forgive them at all.

Part of me is wanting revenge.

Part of me is hoping they suffer some repercussions for their role in my sadness.

I have found myself reviewing my so called great advice on forgiveness and realising it is not as easy as I hoped...

Please note - I am not going to share specifics!

The very last thing I want to ever do is go on some campaign to over defend myself even in light of the dribble spoken against me. I will not counter their destructive campaign with one of my own.

Even this week someone who had heard of me wanted to speak about it. They are friends with everyone who played a part in my demise. And inside I wanted to let rip. Oh boy I did. Thinking great, here is my shot to peg back the score a little in my favour. 

Gratefully something else inside of me tempered my response.

So right now I am honestly working through how to forgive those who hurt me, my family and the Church I proudly was leading with every ounce of my being.

A famous man from Bible times penned these words a long time ago and boy do they ring true for me...

It is not an enemy who taunts me—

I could bear that.

It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—

I could have hidden from them.

Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend.

Psalm 55:12-14 NLT

Jesus was having conversation about the dreaded forgiveness topic one day and responded to a question from one of his friends.

Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus rep-lied "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Matthew 18-21-22 NIV

Notice how it is always the person or people close enough to be a type of family member that forgiveness seems inexplicably linked to...and that is the point I think.

That is where the most hurt can potentially come from.

And that is why forgiveness is sooooo important.

It seems really at the end of the day the only way out from the pain we might be carrying.

It is the mechanism to release something we can't carry without extending the damage bitterness brings.

So yes I will continue to walk the burnout recovery journey.

I will continue to rebuild my life and some form of career.

Plus right now I am also navigating forgiving those who hurt me.

As Jesus famously said on that horrible cross, "Father forgive them, they have no idea what they are doing." 

I want that to grow as my hearts biggest cry going forward somehow.

To be the biggest underline of that horrible moment in my life.

Maybe you have been hurt at some stage by someone very close to you? I am so sorry that happened to you! I think I now have a measure of understanding of what it might have been like for you...

May you find the grace and space to explore forgiveness just as I am endeavouring to.

May we both grow from this hurt to a healthier place.

Something to think about...

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What do I need to "own"?

I have learned a lot about myself post since my lowest point.

And I can honestly see and identify some areas I need to "own" and take more responsibility for.

You see the problem with burnout and the hurt related emotions you end up lumped with, is that you want to blame something or someone. 

I need you to know that I am part of the burnout problem. 

I helped get myself to this point.

Others did things that hurt me and pushed it over the edge as they say, but they are not totally to blame. 

There have been parts of my make-up, my responses (and sometimes lack of), that set this up for me many many years ago.

That's why as part of my healing I need to "own" what I didn't do right. "Own" what was from my corner all along.

If I don't do this I am afraid I will never fully recover.

I am guaranteed to repeat my mistakes.

And I fear I could become bitter...

So here we go.  Here is my clumsy attempt of "owning" how I found myself burned out.

This is not a self deprecating move. 

It is not a feel sorry for me cry.

It is simply part of my recovery process.

My boundaries

"Sacrifice will lead to success".

"If I just work hard there will be a reward".

Those and similar concepts have forever resounded with me. I value working hard and knowing I have worked hard. 

Working hard is not a bad thing. 

But not stopping working hard is!

I have discovered through this process that I had very little in the way of healthy boundaries. 

If it was work or ministry related I said yes, then yes again, and then yes some more. 

Even if it was hurting, I was still hunting down the work.

When I finally stopped full-time ministry I had 40+ weeks of annual leave owing, not including a sabbatical I never took!

I ignored how even Jesus would retreat for seasons, times, and moments.

Jesus had boundaries and yet I didn't? 

Who was I to think I didn't need more rest?

My insecurity

"If I stop it might all fall apart".

In hindsight maybe it would have, maybe it wouldn't have? I will never know!

What I do know is that my insecurity caused me to not have boundaries and hold tightly to far too much in ministry.

Now I see it so easy in my life.

I recognise the gut emotion and gut feel of it.

And I see it all around me.

You see it is easy to 'spiritualise' some decisions as a leader to try and mitigate your insecurity. I have to own that. And as a side note to other leaders who might be reading this, if you are concerned you be insecure, take some time out to deal with it before it tips you over.

There are two parts of this for me.

The holding of things because you are insecure.

And then part 2 for yours truly - tipping over to people pleasing.

My insecurity led me to not want to upset more than I should have let it.

I avoided tough conversations. Leadership moments that would have been tough were avoided if possible.

Again that hurt me.

Right now I am exploring carefully this area.

Trying to focus on what I am good at or talented at.

Learning to ignore those people who are out there looking to tell you how much you suck.

At the end of the day I need to be the me that God wanted me to be all along. That is a journey, it takes time, and I need to "own' it. 

My stubbornness 

When I left my hometown in the 90's to seek my fame and fortune as a Rock-god it would be fair to say not many people thought it was a good idea. 

I had not much money. Not much skill. And just a crazy dream.

Part of my DNA is "I want to prove you wrong", meaning, if you say I can't do it, I will do it to prove you wrong.

This is as you might guess - good and bad.

Good if you have a dogged determination to live a God given dream, task etc.

Deadly if you are just being stubborn...

I am "owning" this emotion and drive.

I am now stubbornly trying to resolve its best fit in my life. 

My leadership

Honestly, one of things that attracts me to Jesus is His leadership style.

He seemed sure of himself, knew His role, knew His people and was marked by a willingness to serve.

Here is what I need to "own"

I probably focused on the servant leadership without developing the other skills He modelled.

Maybe because I thought it would be enough? That if I just served to the point of blowing up, that people would get it, they would respond, that things would work.

Well news flash - they didn't!

I burned myself out.

Leadership is a gift and a skill.

The skill part I believe is developed by what you learn from others and implementing their strategies.

What I need to "own" going forward is to grow in other leadership capacities.

My healing

A blind man heard Jesus walking down the road one day. I love what he does next!

He gets up, throws off his beggars cloak, and boldly asked Jesus for healing.

Hiding in place somewhere safe will give me respite but not healing.

Time does not heal all wounds.

I am exploring all sorts of ways to get healed. 

From trying new things, accepting new opportunities and reviewing my workload.

I have been working with my doctor to address my blood pressure and anxiety.

I have been working super slow on my physical fitness, not wanting to put the burden of going fast on this and getting disappointed.

I want to get better...

My hope in sharing some of this, as briefly as this simple thought allows, is that someone else might have the courage to recover and heal as I am in the process of. 

Something to think about...

If you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with Buy Me A Coffee - I love coffee!