Lumps [original song]

 

Click on the image to watch the YouTube Clip

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Life Long Learner (why you should consider being one)

When you approach life like this...with an attitude to always keep learning, then I truly believe the world is better for it, and you are better for it.

Life Long Learners keep looking to learn from experiences. Good or bad.

They don't run from uncomfortable. They see life and the experiences it offers, to be an amazing teacher.

Life Long Learners study subjects and ideas they are already familiar with and what they are not familiar with.

Life Long Learners don't lose what they have already attained in regards to knowledge, understanding and interpretation, they continually enhance their knowledge, understanding and interpretation.

Life Long Learners don't just study what they already know and agree with because that only brings reinforcement, not always revelation.

Life Long Learners never assume they are always right, 100% right. They leave room for fresh revelation, even correction. They value and hold onto humility. They don't choke if they realise they have to say "I was wrong".

Life Long Learners seek to understand instead of undermining. They seek to engage before enrage. They seek to make others better and not just come across as superior.

Life Long Learners don't run from what they don't like or don't currently understand. They take a breath, hatch a plan, and seek to learn how and why something is.

Life Long Learners are the opposite of entrenched, polarised, populist, arrogant and multiple other negative connotations.

So be a Life Long Learner.

Something to think about...

If you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with something called Buy Me A Coffee - your support means the world to us!

Change we choose vs Change we don't (YouTube Version)

 

Click on the image to watch the YouTube Clip

Change we choose vs Change we don't

Lately I have been thinking about change we chose vs change that is forced on us.

And I think there is a difference, certainly in the way we feel about it, how we respond and more...

It wasn't that long ago where you couldn't enter most businesses especially banks, unless you removed hats, face coverings, anything that impaired their ability to see your face completely.

You will know that has all changed, especially here in New Zealand. 

You currently can't enter any business or bank without looking like a modern day cowboy ready to rob it. We are all masked and covered.

We have had change forced upon us! And it feels different.

We face similar issues it seems in regards to our health.

You can make changes to get yourself healthy or the doctor could tell you change has to happen. 

Or maybe you ignore the advice and live with the circumstances?

Again there seems a big difference between change we choose, that we feel is our choice, where we feel we have a measure of control verses the alternative.

What I am trying to convey is this...

In life you actually get many choices. And one of them is to own the change you might recognise you need. You are smart enough to know change chosen by us as opposed to forced upon us, is inherently better.

So if this is speaking to you today?

Where you know you need to make a change...

Please be brave and make that change.

And if you need some help with it, ask for it, reach out to someone who could help you navigate the change you need right now in your life.

Something to think about...

*we have just posted a version of this blog as a vlog here*

If you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with something called Buy Me A Coffee - your support means the world to us!

Want to check out what we have been doing?

A couple of months ago we launched something called the Real, Raw & Relevant Show with Locky McNeill. 

It has been an amazing experience so far!

Each show we talk about something that fits the title.

It has to be real, raw and relevant.

We kicked things off with the first 4 Episodes covering all sorts of angles related to mental health.

Yes we are going to go broader, but right now this theme is having an impact.

Are you curious to see what we have been doing?

Click on the image below for our YouTube Premier of Episode 4

Of course we welcome you to check out any of the other episodes from the show...

Locky :)

We did it! We hosted our first live show!

 

Last night we hosted the first ever episode of the Real, Raw & Relevant Show live on Facebook...

While I was pretty nervous it went well and we have had great feedback so far.

If you would like to watch it on YouTube here is a link

And if you want to watch live make sure you jump on the shower Facebook page.

Talk to you soon...

Locky :)

Real, Raw & Relevant Show with Locky *postponed until 15th*

Via Facebook Live and more...15th September due to a family bereavement 

If you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with something called Buy Me A Coffee - your support means the world to us!

Navigating your Desert

To help avoid confusion to begin with, I am not talking about navigating dessert but the desert.

Dessert (notice the 2 s's) is normally something sweet after a main course, and I am more than able to navigate dessert. 

I am talking about navigating your desert. In particular that sense, feeling, spiritual space, where your current journey feels like you are wandering through some sort of dry wasteland. Your spiritual desert.

And in the spirit of honesty, maybe you are like me, and have found this current season to easily be categorised like that. A journey that seems dry, maybe devoid of life sometimes, even with a dash of hopelessness?

I have been thinking about this recently and considering many aspects both natural and spiritual around the concept. 

Have even found myself researching what real deserts are like to be lost in. Even recalling the many stories and accounts I have come across in scripture on the same topic.

With all that in mind I wanted to get some help and encouragement for myself, which then leads to me wanting to share my discoveries with you in the hope that you might find this interesting and indeed helpful?

Here are some interesting little facts about deserts?

33% of the worlds ground area is apparently desert. 20% of Australia is classified as desert.

Don't eat the cactus unless you know which one you are dealing with, some will give you diarrhoea which is not helpful while you potentially a little dehydration.

I recognise fully that being in this dry place is scary, has the unknown of how long, and can feel to many very isolating. Please know others feel the same as you... 

Below I have a few points for you to consider if your current season could be considered something akin to a desert. 

Your desert is not your destination

A desert time, a dry time in lifes journey is just a season.

I have found I need to remind myself of that over and over again. Remind myself that at some point, even if I don't know exactly when, that how I feel and see my life now will not be the case at some point.

I take some encouragement from others who have journeyed through this time because they all came out the other side. You will as well!

It is normal to be tempted to give up

One of the most key moments of Jesus life was a time in the desert.

His experience was pretty extreme to say the least. 40 days of being hungry. Plus He was tempted on multiple occasions to give up. This devil fella turns up and tries to convince Him to give up on the dream He has for life once the desert time is over.

Maybe it is part of the whole "when will this be over?" vibe we wrestle with?

But don't give up even if you feel mega tempted to.

Giving up yes would bring relief for a moment, but it also could bring regret for a lifetime.

Desert time could be your preparation time

Can I reference Jesus another time in regards to this?

Many marvel at Jesus ministry on earth, how He healed and made whole, how He challenged and inspired with amazing words and ideas. But none of that happened until after the desert...

So maybe His desert experience wasn't just a blip on his life journey but more of a preparation for what was to come. That could be the very same for you my friend? Your desert experience could be preparing you for something better than what you had, did, or experienced before it began? So I guess not giving up part way through becomes even more important?

Finally...

I think it important to remind ourselves that being in a desert time is not a reflection of a lack of character, spiritual maturity, talent or more. It is part of life as difficult and many times unwanted as it is.

Your desert is not your destination.

Don't give up or give in to temptation.

And let it prepare you a for new season in life.

Something to think about...

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"I am embarrassed"

A question we ask each other in everyday speech especially around a greeting is "how are you?"

I not sure how people generally respond in your part of the world but in mine it is really common to hear responses like the following:

"I fine, how are you?" (even if it isn't true)

"I'm really busy?" 

But sometimes I want to reply...

"I am embarrassed!"

Why am I embarrassed you might next ask?

Did I do something recently that was by definition something that would stir feelings of embarrassment? 

What I am talking about is embarrassment that is on another level completely.

Embarrassment that is on the level related to shame and therefore wanting to potentially hide from others.

And please know I am not sharing this with some agenda to garner attention or manipulate a response. I am honestly sharing this because I am concerned that there are many who share the same shame from embarrassment and are possibly not sure what to do next...

Here are a couple of reasons why I feel embarrassment:

1. I failed

I was a Pastor of a local Church for 11 years and before that a Pastor on staff in some large Auckland Churches. Even with all that experience I failed to grow a Church. In fact it has now closed!

I have struggled many days to not feel like a complete failure. 

Most people wonder how on earth this is even possible.

For one, they considered the job so easy that it would seem incomprehensible that you could fail.

Others who know me cannot understand why someone with my gifts and abilities couldn't make it work?

Failure is part of life. But I guess it was magnified for me as I failed in a public forum.

Not succeeding in a career or marriage or some other important endeavour to you is very difficult to reconcile.

2. I take medication

The last few years have taken a huge toll on my health, physically and mentally.

And late last year I gave in and went to the doctor for help. 

I now am on medication for all sorts of things including ridiculous blood pressure and to help me sleep.

I have never thought worse of anyone needing medicine to help them and yet when I faced the same as those I have counselled over the years, I felt embarrassed that I now need the help they received.

Wasn't I a Pastor and someone with their life all sorted?

Wasn't I someone who was supposed to have answers?

So where to from here?

Be realistic and gentle

It is ok to feel embarrassed, to feel bad, but you need to give yourself a break.

I try to remind myself this is a season, a moment in time along life's journey. Who I am today and how I feel will hopefully not be who I am and how I feel forever.

It is right to look after myself. 

To take a break. To grieve. To get healing even with medication.

Being kind to yourself will do more good than you might realise.

Be honest with the right people.

A few good friends is what you need in this moment...not a crowd of so-called friends.

If you have even one friend that you can be honest with then you are already winning and finding your way back.

Stop living how others might expect.

I have been a people pleaser all my life. I can see that more clearly now. And it annoys me so much that I lived like that, because the price for it has been high!

You and I can only be who we have the gifts and capacity to be.

I wonder whether I was trying to live beyond even who God made me to be in some vain way to win approval and prove myself?

I have learned that I need to care a little less what people in general think of me. 

What God thinks about me. What those who care about me think about me. That is fine with me and all that matters...

It doesn't matter whether I need some medical/chemical help in this season, I am still me and that is ok. And if it helps me to recover than so be it!

Have a simple strategy on how to rebuild.

I used to have a diary to rival the best of those keeping busy. 

Now I fight to keep things a whole lot simpler.

The honest truth is that my capacity for "busy" has shrunk dramatically right now and I need to be ok with that.

I refuse to work 7 days a week anymore.

I refuse to complicate my life with lots of activity.

I have limits I have imposed on myself.

This is taking time, it is hard to shift in my psyche, but simple for me is better.

Is OK to say "No" sometimes. 

That is not a sign of weakness or laziness!

Listen to wise advice from others you trust and learn to listen to your body.

----------

If this struck a chord with you, I truly hope and pray this blog helps you in some way.

Yes by all means go after life, but also see it as a marathon not a sprint.

I believe in you. 

You have value. 

And if you need help for a season, that doesn't make you less than someone else.

Something to think about...

If you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with something called Buy Me A Coffee - your support means the world to us!

 

Coming this August!

That's right, we are launching an Online Show via Facebook Live and YouTube this August.
We are pretty excited about it and really hoping and praying it helps you on your journey in some way...

We still plan to publish Blog Posts so don't panic, we are not going away.

God Bless

Locky :)

We have a question for you

 

How can you help? (helping someone facing burnout)

You may have asked yourself at some point "how can you help?"

Wondered what does helping someone dealing with burnout possibly look like?

Based on my own very personal experience as I journey through this and doing a whole lot of reading and research on this topic, I have boiled down my advice on how you could possibly help someone navigating this season. 

It is purposefully short because this is actually the point for me and others on this journey.

People with burnout simply cannot deal with convoluted and overly complicated recovery plans.

You are tired. Your brain is tired. Your soul is weary. 

So simple is best for us.

So here are my 4 quick tips...

1. Avoid trying to fix us

Seek to journey with us as opposed to giving your all in a moment.

Your 5 best tips for a better life won't be received in the manner you would like.

Those who are "fixers" are super quick to try and fix you with their unsolicited (at times) quick fire advice.

Those who are "explainers" want to drill deep and fast, many times attributing blame thick and heavy, and then layering it up with endless advice.

Even with the best of intentions fixers and explainers come across as "I am doing great, you're doing not so great, therefore I am better than you."

There is a a concept in Jewish culture I have always found fascinating.

It is called in English - sitting shiva. 

Essentially the idea is all based around simply sitting with someone who is grieving, struggling, facing loss on some level. You shut up. You listen. You support and show love just by being there with in their moment of struggle and need.

If they want to talk that is fine, but you do it on their terms.

You are purposefully tempering your response. 

Advice giving is by invitation only and then kept simple.

Simple is best and little is even better.

Trust me, we feel bad enough as it is. 

We blame ourselves with a level of self loathing you can not comprehend. 

But you being there will speak love at a level deeply unique.

2. Simply listen to us

Maybe it is because we want to simplify the way the world works for our benefit and ease of understanding? We seem to expect everyone is the same because we are all human.

But I have been reminded many times over in my life that while that is true, we are hugely nuanced as individuals. Our upbringing, experiences and even responses create in us subtle differences. Differences not to be frowned upon. Actually to ultimately be embraced.

That is why this point follows the first. The fixer mentality is doubly wrong because we aren't all the same.  

Being told that they understand when they don't is really frustrating. 

Even if you think you do, my friend you simply don't.

And burned out people don't expect you to understand but hope you might listen...

Ask how they feel.

Ask how they are going.

And if they don't want to talk, just hangout.

Trust me in this. A burned out person is very torn...

On one hand we want to run and hide and on the other we are desperately lonely.

A gentle and genuine friend, even for a moment, does something for you that you can not always put into words.

3. See how you can journey with us

A journey is what we are on.

And if you want to help, you join us on the journey...

Look for ways to encourage us. 

Burned out people have normally lost their confidence and confidence takes times to rebuild in any meaningful way. 

It is probably going to take longer than you think for us to come "right", whatever that means and looks like going forward.

Trust me, we are more frustrated over the recovery time than you ever will be. And if we pick up on the fact you are frustrated at some lack of perceived recovery progress, well that reinforces the sense of failure and frustration we live with.

Simply and wisely pick a pattern of contact that is slow and steady.

That works best for us and should take all the pressure off you.

4. Speak well of us

We are specially tuned to negative. 

We feel like a failure. 

Everything around us reminds us that the sense of failure is a true and lived reality.

It doesn't always matter that you as a friend or support person sees us as unique, talented etc. We see ourselves as fallen and broken and even potentially now worthless. That is why many contemplate the ultimate checkout. We feel we have lost so much and the clouds in our head prevent us from seeing how life could even be better.

Speak well of us to our face.

Speak well of us behind our back.

And if you are a praying person, speak well of us to God...

You can be part of someones recovery!

You have an opportunity to make a difference in someones life that they will indeed never forget. 

That is pretty unique and honourable in my opinion. 

And we all want to make a difference right?

Well this could be your divine opportunity....

So if you know someone like me on this particular journey please don't just give them space. Space eventually turns into distance, which turns into perceived loss. 

Wisely, graciously, prayerfully, gently grab these tips and be heaven on earth to that dear one facing this unenviable journey.

Something to think about...

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Real, Raw, Relevant

If you asked me in a conversation "how many Facebook friends do you have?", to my shame now and over the years of being on social media, I could probably answer you exactly, to the number.

I wonder if you are like me and now think that is kind of weird?

This strange I guess pathological desire or need to have a large so-called friend group.

To have a platform, an audience, a crowd that we hope we can impress on some level and desperately hope that will cheer us on.

As part of this current life and recovery journey I have been on I have learned again that in regards to friends, and I mean true friends, less in not a bad thing. It is actually the best thing!

Quantity is definitely not guaranteed to bring quality. 

And "the right" friends is so much more conducive to my recovery.

Maybe you buck this trend...well good for you!

But sadly most of us have drunk the cool-aid.

We get some sense of value from having as many social media friends as possible.

The idea that maybe lots of friends will make you "feel" more accepted, valued and even encouraged.

As a Pastor our time is strangely split between crowds and one on one interactions.

Sundays or specials events is your crowd moment face to face. 

Then we have a crowd we have following our blogs, listening to our podcasts, watching our 'gram' pics with our ministry highlights.

One on one we seek to help those wrestling with whatever they are facing. Hoping our advice/ministry
could be the difference maker in that moment.

We ride a paradox of never alone and yet sometimes feeling very alone.

When our 'ministry' came to a screeching halt last year this all became very real, raw and relevant for me to somehow deal with, to navigate out of, and build a slightly different existence.

I discovered that friends who I thought were friends simply weren't.

I discovered the crowds disappeared like a chocolate bar in our home - very quickly!

And I also discovered something very cool...

I will come back to that very soon - but first can I talk about this Jesus guy (please don't freak out if he is not your thing right now)?

The other day I was driving home from one of my many part time contract roles I do now. Thinking about how this Jesus guy was purportedly the greatest person ever to exist and yet he didn't have many friends!

History tells us he picked 12 guys to be his disciples and learn from him. And when it came to very personal and special moments, he only included a small group of 3.

Was it because he was not cool? Was his social media cred not on point?

I realised that Jesus had a few close friends because that is what worked best for him.

And I have learned in this season that a few great friends is all I really need.

Jesus example I think is a great example for us all...

I have some amazing people in my life right now.

People I feel I can be real, raw and relevant with.

I would name them but that would probably embarrass them. 

They have made all the difference for me and I am extremely grateful.

Maybe you recognise the trap now that might have been set for you?

That bait of popularity, of persona based on nothing more than a reader digest highlight real.

Maybe you feel lonely in the crowd?

My friend don't do anything rash, simply focus on have a few great friends. Cultivate a few special friendship where you can be real, raw and relevant with.

In my opinion it is far healthier and will help you navigate life so much better.

Something to think about...

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Hurt

I have discovered recently that there are definitely some pieces of advice that are super easy to give and super difficult potentially to enact in life.
Not impossible. Just difficult.

For many years I promoted some "biblical" advice or instruction on a topic I was passionate about. I never portrayed it as super easy but something I strongly recommended if you want to do this life thing well.

I painted a picture for my listeners or readers of the easy steps one could take. I promoted strongly the super obvious benefits of going through this process.

I even regaled the audience with stories of my own past success in this area, in the hope it would encourage them to believe it was possible for them as well.

Then last year happened...

I am not talking about Covid-19 even though it played a small part.

I am not talking about the changed world in general and way of life for us all.

My life changed dramatically in the middle of the year when I found myself unemployed from what many would consider a stable, if not dramatic for most, career path as a Pastor.

I have shared in previous posts since that time that I have been on a journey of navigating burnout.

But burnout was not the only reason I found myself in this unenviable position at my stage of life.

Sadly many other people played a role in my departure from formal Church ministry.

For reasons only truly known to them, they decided the 'right thing' to do, was to leave our Church and encourage as many others as possible to do exactly the same thing.

They were people very close to us.

They were people seen as important, influential, even considered knowledgeable.

So why wouldn't people believe the bad report they gave out generously?

Many many things were said about me and my family.

Many accusations were made.

While they probably have 'good reasons' for their desire to move on, from what I had fed back to me, most of their statements were untrue and some were downright slanderous lies. 

Even as I type this some 7-8 months later, I honestly find it painful to think about.

Something in my heart hurts to some degree.

Time may have dulled the acute pain, but something is still there.

And that is what I want to share about today...

I know in my heart of hearts, in the very core of my being, that I need to forgive them.

But honestly part of me doesn't want to.

I don't want to forgive them at all.

Part of me is wanting revenge.

Part of me is hoping they suffer some repercussions for their role in my sadness.

I have found myself reviewing my so called great advice on forgiveness and realising it is not as easy as I hoped...

Please note - I am not going to share specifics!

The very last thing I want to ever do is go on some campaign to over defend myself even in light of the dribble spoken against me. I will not counter their destructive campaign with one of my own.

Even this week someone who had heard of me wanted to speak about it. They are friends with everyone who played a part in my demise. And inside I wanted to let rip. Oh boy I did. Thinking great, here is my shot to peg back the score a little in my favour. 

Gratefully something else inside of me tempered my response.

So right now I am honestly working through how to forgive those who hurt me, my family and the Church I proudly was leading with every ounce of my being.

A famous man from Bible times penned these words a long time ago and boy do they ring true for me...

It is not an enemy who taunts me—

I could bear that.

It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—

I could have hidden from them.

Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend.

Psalm 55:12-14 NLT

Jesus was having conversation about the dreaded forgiveness topic one day and responded to a question from one of his friends.

Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus rep-lied "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Matthew 18-21-22 NIV

Notice how it is always the person or people close enough to be a type of family member that forgiveness seems inexplicably linked to...and that is the point I think.

That is where the most hurt can potentially come from.

And that is why forgiveness is sooooo important.

It seems really at the end of the day the only way out from the pain we might be carrying.

It is the mechanism to release something we can't carry without extending the damage bitterness brings.

So yes I will continue to walk the burnout recovery journey.

I will continue to rebuild my life and some form of career.

Plus right now I am also navigating forgiving those who hurt me.

As Jesus famously said on that horrible cross, "Father forgive them, they have no idea what they are doing." 

I want that to grow as my hearts biggest cry going forward somehow.

To be the biggest underline of that horrible moment in my life.

Maybe you have been hurt at some stage by someone very close to you? I am so sorry that happened to you! I think I now have a measure of understanding of what it might have been like for you...

May you find the grace and space to explore forgiveness just as I am endeavouring to.

May we both grow from this hurt to a healthier place.

Something to think about...

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What do I need to "own"?

I have learned a lot about myself post since my lowest point.

And I can honestly see and identify some areas I need to "own" and take more responsibility for.

You see the problem with burnout and the hurt related emotions you end up lumped with, is that you want to blame something or someone. 

I need you to know that I am part of the burnout problem. 

I helped get myself to this point.

Others did things that hurt me and pushed it over the edge as they say, but they are not totally to blame. 

There have been parts of my make-up, my responses (and sometimes lack of), that set this up for me many many years ago.

That's why as part of my healing I need to "own" what I didn't do right. "Own" what was from my corner all along.

If I don't do this I am afraid I will never fully recover.

I am guaranteed to repeat my mistakes.

And I fear I could become bitter...

So here we go.  Here is my clumsy attempt of "owning" how I found myself burned out.

This is not a self deprecating move. 

It is not a feel sorry for me cry.

It is simply part of my recovery process.

My boundaries

"Sacrifice will lead to success".

"If I just work hard there will be a reward".

Those and similar concepts have forever resounded with me. I value working hard and knowing I have worked hard. 

Working hard is not a bad thing. 

But not stopping working hard is!

I have discovered through this process that I had very little in the way of healthy boundaries. 

If it was work or ministry related I said yes, then yes again, and then yes some more. 

Even if it was hurting, I was still hunting down the work.

When I finally stopped full-time ministry I had 40+ weeks of annual leave owing, not including a sabbatical I never took!

I ignored how even Jesus would retreat for seasons, times, and moments.

Jesus had boundaries and yet I didn't? 

Who was I to think I didn't need more rest?

My insecurity

"If I stop it might all fall apart".

In hindsight maybe it would have, maybe it wouldn't have? I will never know!

What I do know is that my insecurity caused me to not have boundaries and hold tightly to far too much in ministry.

Now I see it so easy in my life.

I recognise the gut emotion and gut feel of it.

And I see it all around me.

You see it is easy to 'spiritualise' some decisions as a leader to try and mitigate your insecurity. I have to own that. And as a side note to other leaders who might be reading this, if you are concerned you be insecure, take some time out to deal with it before it tips you over.

There are two parts of this for me.

The holding of things because you are insecure.

And then part 2 for yours truly - tipping over to people pleasing.

My insecurity led me to not want to upset more than I should have let it.

I avoided tough conversations. Leadership moments that would have been tough were avoided if possible.

Again that hurt me.

Right now I am exploring carefully this area.

Trying to focus on what I am good at or talented at.

Learning to ignore those people who are out there looking to tell you how much you suck.

At the end of the day I need to be the me that God wanted me to be all along. That is a journey, it takes time, and I need to "own' it. 

My stubbornness 

When I left my hometown in the 90's to seek my fame and fortune as a Rock-god it would be fair to say not many people thought it was a good idea. 

I had not much money. Not much skill. And just a crazy dream.

Part of my DNA is "I want to prove you wrong", meaning, if you say I can't do it, I will do it to prove you wrong.

This is as you might guess - good and bad.

Good if you have a dogged determination to live a God given dream, task etc.

Deadly if you are just being stubborn...

I am "owning" this emotion and drive.

I am now stubbornly trying to resolve its best fit in my life. 

My leadership

Honestly, one of things that attracts me to Jesus is His leadership style.

He seemed sure of himself, knew His role, knew His people and was marked by a willingness to serve.

Here is what I need to "own"

I probably focused on the servant leadership without developing the other skills He modelled.

Maybe because I thought it would be enough? That if I just served to the point of blowing up, that people would get it, they would respond, that things would work.

Well news flash - they didn't!

I burned myself out.

Leadership is a gift and a skill.

The skill part I believe is developed by what you learn from others and implementing their strategies.

What I need to "own" going forward is to grow in other leadership capacities.

My healing

A blind man heard Jesus walking down the road one day. I love what he does next!

He gets up, throws off his beggars cloak, and boldly asked Jesus for healing.

Hiding in place somewhere safe will give me respite but not healing.

Time does not heal all wounds.

I am exploring all sorts of ways to get healed. 

From trying new things, accepting new opportunities and reviewing my workload.

I have been working with my doctor to address my blood pressure and anxiety.

I have been working super slow on my physical fitness, not wanting to put the burden of going fast on this and getting disappointed.

I want to get better...

My hope in sharing some of this, as briefly as this simple thought allows, is that someone else might have the courage to recover and heal as I am in the process of. 

Something to think about...

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Make adjustments...it doesn't make you a failure!

When I watch some of my favourite sports live, or on tv, there is a reoccurring theme at halftime during these games. The players and coach sit down and review their game-plan that they began their epic battle with, and do something mysterious...they make adjustments!

It is not about being right or wrong, it is about adjusting to the unforeseen, looking for ways to improve, because they ultimately know that without some adjustment they could lose.

I sometimes think we are scared of making adjustments to our lives.

Like some sort of pride trap that locks us on a trajectory, where we just hope and pray that we don't lose in the end.

Making adjustments to your life at times is in fact wisdom. 

It is not failure. It is not an admission of fault. It is not a sign of weakness.

Paul wrote some very wise words to his young protege Timothy...

"Watch your life and doctrine closely..." 1 Timothy 4:16 NIV

This I believe is an all encompassing game-plan/strategy for anyone's life, whether you're a person of faith or not, that you should take time to review your life's game-plan, your direction, and then make any necessary adjustments.

Take it from me I know this only toooooo well! After not taking this advice on board over many years I drove myself into the ground and burned myself out. 

Looking back I doggedly determined to stay focused on the goal and push, push, push.

The problem was not the goal, but how I was getting myself there. I needed adjustment long before adjustment was forced upon me.

Don't be me LOL.

Can I encourage you today to make time, even a moment over the next few days, to review your trajectory?

Pray, meditate, strategise, and make adjustments if and where you might need to.

I think it is worth the investment in yourself.

Something to think about...

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I Used To...

Have you found yourself saying to someone or even simply thinking to yourself "I used to..."?

This is in reference to something you used to do.

That maybe you were good at.

That maybe brought you great satisfaction.

That maybe you thought was a great fit for you...

I am not talking about a season in life. Where that thing you used to do was something you know in your heart was just supposed to be for that particular season.

I am talking about something profoundly more special that was part of the unique formula that makes you you. Something that helped show the world small or big, just who you were to the world, and the place you could have in it.

Lately I have been thinking about one of my "I used to...".

Something that gave me amazing satisfaction on the inside. 

Something that helped me communicate my thoughts, emotions and ultimately my heart.

That even helped me process different thoughts and events in my life.

I used to...write songs...

I have written hundreds of them over my lifetime.

The first one was when I began to learn the piano at a young age about flying into space. I had only been getting lessons for a few weeks and yet I wanted to create my own music.

Later that progressed to writing lyrics in the first band I was in before we transitioned to me being the primary songwriter. All through my late teens and early twenties, in whatever sphere I was in, bands, Church, whatever, I just wrote songs to fit the place I found myself.

Now here I am as you know, navigating burnout recovery and pondering whether I should be doing it again. Trying to reconcile whether that season had passed in my life or whether I had simply neglected a gift that helped me be me.

Last week I decided to stop thinking about it and just give it another go.

The moment I did, the indecision of many years dropped off and something that seemed dormant in my spirit woke up. I wrote my first song in something like 14 years!

The next step was to play it someone. That is the bit I have not always enjoyed to be honest. That vulnerable moment when you feel exposed to others, and their opinion of it. 

So I skipped the play it to my wife step (sorry Suze!) out of my insecurity and quietly dropped it into my set last Sunday as I played an acoustic gig at the local markets.

So far I have had great feedback which is real nice and a huge relief. But that is not the real issue here as you might have already guessed?

The issue is that I am in part a songwriter. I need to own it.

Whether I am good is not the point, it is simply how I am wired and in the end should be.

Maybe this is something that strikes a nerve with you today?

Maybe you have an "I used to..." in your own life that you have been thinking about recently or this blog stirs to memory?

Why not explore it and see if it is something for now, something that is part of your expression to the world?

I believe it will make a difference to you and all those around you!

I believe that for any of us to be whole we must own the gifts we have been given. Anything less makes us just that little less than who we can ultimately be.

Something to think about...

*Update November 2021 here is a link to a little recording we did of the song Lumps*

Do what you did at first Revelation 2:5

Do not neglect your gift 1 Timothy 4:14

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How Long? (When will I be back to normal?)

It is 100% normal to ask "how long?" when it comes to burnout and your recovery?

I have asked this question.

Many others before me have asked that same question.

The "when will I be back to normal?" sentiment.

At this point some of my friends are being cheeky and muttering under their breath that I was never normal - but that is some fun for another day...

The "how long?" is not something I have thought lots about, but it has been in the back of my mind.

It also seems to come up when people ask how I am and how I am tracking.

I have even heard it said that the length of time it takes to recover can sometimes match how long it took to get into this situation in the first place. At first glance that could sound a little depressing but further down this little blog I hope to address that concept.

Like I have already mentioned this question has been around a long time.

"How long?" was asked by many many people in the Bible as they waited for Heavens help, rescue, supply, and as they looked in faith to God. 

The super famous music supergroup U2 even wrote a song around this question called 40, which is riddled with the same question and sentiment. Ironically it looks like they have been influenced by some Bible verses as well if you look closely at the lyrics.

Here is my current thinking on this...

Burnout recovery is not a moment, it is a 100% process.

It takes time to get burned out, and it makes sense to me that it will probably take time to come back out.

What I think that personally helps me on the burnout recovery journey is to see it in terms of process.

A step by step. Week by week movement towards being better.

Why did I say week by week? 

I have learned that you can have good and bad days. A bad day doesn't indicate anything other than a bad day. I think a broader approach is better for your assessment towards being back.

It is all about little steps. Or progress. And on a scale that isn't too fast and painful the other way.

Seeing yourself getting fractionally better is better than spiralling further into that burnout hole.

I have actually begun to see burnout in part like a wind up.

Picture yourself internally turning and turning in one direction again and again.

Burnout to me feels like that internally. 

You are wound up so tight that at your lowest point you feel you cannot take anymore winding. That maybe one more twist would end you emotionally, physically or worse.

Conversely if you try and unwind yourself too fast you will probably go flying. The better approach is slowly unwinding and unpacking and even unlearning some really unhelpful ways of living life.

So if this is you? If you feel burned out and like a tightly wound string?

Don't stress about the speed to being recovered. 

Just take it slow. Slow allows you to pace yourself. To notice things and learn. To avoid healing pains, and yes, that is a thing...

If it helps, please know God is walking through your recovery valley with you, even if it's not clear that He is.

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;

heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.

My soul is in deep anguish.

How long, Lord, how long?

Psalm 6:2-3 NIV

Something to think about...

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My Burnout Recovery Plan

I have been hesitant to publish this post as I recognise that I have not fully recovered from my burnout yet.

Making declarations about what might be working for me and could be an answer for you should be taken a little lightly. In saying that, I still think something of my strategy could be a great platform you could try for yourself?

Here are 4 things I am focused on right now: 

1. Dump the what's next and focus on right now

I have discovered that my internal culture and the world around me is always screaming "what's next?". At our core I think we have an insatiable appetite for new, new, new and next, next, next.

In context for my burnout recovery I have dumped the "what's next?" question and the potential anxiety it causes me and instead I am focusing on right now. Taking whatever opportunity comes my way today. Doing what I can do and that's all. Letting tomorrow look after itself.

When I try and look too far ahead I don't feel very good.

Partly because my hope in the future has been bruised a little and it makes me feel quite vulnerable.

Matthew 6:34 actually states “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself...each day has enough trouble of its own.” 

2. Less Friends - Better Quality

I can not say this was my plan, but it worked out for the best I think, as painful as it was to experience.

Being a Pastor meant I had a large "friend" group or so I thought. Lots of people in my life who needed me, that I worked with. I had plenty of "people time".

As our world and role changed we lost so many friends and at a seemingly blinding pace.

While it was, and still is to some degree difficult to take, it also was setting me up for recovery.

I honestly believe now that less is best when it comes to really special friends.

Burnout recovery requires a special few people you can have relationship with.

People you can trust with your current state of mind and emotional quality.

Too many people will drain you. 

Go for quality over quantity.

Have people around you that you trust to say what you need to hear and in a way you might best receive it.

The crowd will only bring noise and cause you confusion and eventually retreat.

3. Simplify your Day

When I began a new career in the 90's I was introduced to quality diary use and planning.

It was based around making lists of what you needed to do each day and also attributing priority values to those lists. It really helped me in my new career.

Now leap forward several decades and I have lived my life by lists.

Lists of tasks. Task lists that were never ending. Lists that never were completed yesterday so spilled into the next day. You probably get the idea...

This model does not work when you are burned out!

Instead of big lists to do maybe have 1-3 acheivable things to do each day.

Start there and then review later on if you have energy for more.

Knowing you have achieved something each day, even if its small, is far more satisfying than knowing you never achieved everything!

4. Heathy in every sphere but not in a hurry

When I first considered my health seriously near the end of last year I initially wanted to get healthy like I did when I wasn't burned out. By creating an intense fitness and food plan. To go hard at it like I have in the past.

But the mere thought of tackling my health like this made me feel even more sick and ultimately not motivated.

So this time around I trying to get healthy at a pace I can live with.

If it takes me 2 years to lose some #lockdownlife flab so be it.

If it takes longer than that to run 10K reasonably comfortable like I used to do many days a week, well that's all good with me.

I reminded myself of this simple truth recently...

It took me years to get unhealthy. It is ok if it takes me years to get right. Just as long as I am heading in the right direction. 

And finally....

Go easier on yourself than you think you should at this time.

I have to keep reminding myself to keep reminding myself...

In my burnout, berating myself for my failure is easy for me.

If you are struggling please stop kicking yourself.

It might feel like you are doing something but that something is just hurting yourself.

I hope something of my journey helps someone out there?

Something to think about...

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You can now support me with "Buy Me A Coffee"

Hi there everyone!

Hoping you are all doing well right now...

After much encouragement from some of my other amazing readers I have finally setup a way to support this blog that I feel more comfortable with than other opportunities. 

I have never wanted to setup a pay to view system as I just want to freely give whatever I can in the hope it makes your life a little better one simple thought at a time.

But if you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with Buy Me A Coffee - I love coffee!

Please know I am super honoured just to you take the time to read my thoughts.

And if you would to support me, then that would be amazing :)

Thanks everyone!

Locky

Better to burn out than to fade away (my story right now and so far...)

What I going to share with you today is not news for me today, to share today.

It is not based on a moment of decision or even indecision.

It is predicated on a philosophy I picked up somewhere, maybe from everywhere, that resonated so strongly with something in me, that it became part of me without much filtering or ongoing review.

I have held a firm belief for as long as I can remember, that if I worked real real hard at absolutely everything, that the rewards would come. Like some mandated equation of the cosmos where you will "win" based on effort expressed. Rewards of "success", rewards of financial security, Church growth. ministry opportunities and more...

I have caught myself saying this phrase many times over the years...

"It is better to burn out than to fade away"

Honestly is was more of who I am than I cared to admit, even if I said on some level that I was joking.

No, the Bible doesn't give this as a life rule to live by.

No, there was not a person who told me to directly to live like this in my formative years.

It was something that my soul liked the sound of when it caught wind of it floating in the breeze and to which my flesh propelled me forward for decades.

So here I am.

Beginning 2021 in some way the same as I finished 2020.

Officially burned out.

That silly little phrase played out just as it said. 

Maybe it could be said that it had some prophetic power over me?

I left full-time ministry and official Church life at the beginning of August last year unaware just how burned out I was. Others could see it. I simply couldn't. Still wanted to charge on. Still wanting to live on the vapours left in my tank. To stop meant every conceivable negative for me, failure, defeat, perceived laziness even...

A couple of days a go as I was riding my bike that phrase entered my mind I thought somewhat randomly. It caused me to do some research into its potential origins and more.

I wouldn't say it was an epiphany moment. Maybe one of much needed clarity.

A movie I watched as a teenager and really enjoyed was called the Highlander.

A mythical story about an immortal Scottish Warrior (my heritage so intrigued me on some level) who fought evil. In the soundtrack by Queen there it is "better to burn out than fade away"

A "cool" band from the 80's that I loved was Def Leppard.

Their song Rock of Ages kicks off lyrically with this...

"Gunter gleiben glauchen globen

All right

I got somethin' to say

Yeah, it's better to burn out

Yeah, than fade away"

Influential musician Kurt Corbain sadly gave up on life in 1994 in a tragic and dramatic fashion. 

I learnt today while researching this topic, that his suicide note actually included a very similar phrase and sentiment. I also learnt that Neil Young and others have over the years penned lyrics of a similar vain.

Wow, this simple phrase is not just a phrase at all.

It has honestly damaged me. And it has gone as far as to destroy others.

So where to from here?

Honestly I sort of know and sort of don't.

I am really just taking it slow (the opposite of my personality).

I am trying to rebuild many areas of my life.

I am trying to heal and learn at the same time.

My hope right now is not for restoration to where I was before. Yuck.

What I really want I guess is be better and be better.

Better on the inside of me and better at living this life God has graciously given me.

Right now I am not sure how to close this off.

My normal would be a scripture or a challenge kind of thing...

Maybe I just want you know a little of story as part of my journey going forward?

Maybe this is for me more than you?

Wherever you are and whoever you are, thanks for reading.

Be yourself, be who God made you to be, listen for His voice.

And know people like think you are awesome!

The story isn't over yet...

Hope to share with you again real soon!

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