What do I need to "own"?

I have learned a lot about myself post since my lowest point.

And I can honestly see and identify some areas I need to "own" and take more responsibility for.

You see the problem with burnout and the hurt related emotions you end up lumped with, is that you want to blame something or someone. 

I need you to know that I am part of the burnout problem. 

I helped get myself to this point.

Others did things that hurt me and pushed it over the edge as they say, but they are not totally to blame. 

There have been parts of my make-up, my responses (and sometimes lack of), that set this up for me many many years ago.

That's why as part of my healing I need to "own" what I didn't do right. "Own" what was from my corner all along.

If I don't do this I am afraid I will never fully recover.

I am guaranteed to repeat my mistakes.

And I fear I could become bitter...

So here we go.  Here is my clumsy attempt of "owning" how I found myself burned out.

This is not a self deprecating move. 

It is not a feel sorry for me cry.

It is simply part of my recovery process.

My boundaries

"Sacrifice will lead to success".

"If I just work hard there will be a reward".

Those and similar concepts have forever resounded with me. I value working hard and knowing I have worked hard. 

Working hard is not a bad thing. 

But not stopping working hard is!

I have discovered through this process that I had very little in the way of healthy boundaries. 

If it was work or ministry related I said yes, then yes again, and then yes some more. 

Even if it was hurting, I was still hunting down the work.

When I finally stopped full-time ministry I had 40+ weeks of annual leave owing, not including a sabbatical I never took!

I ignored how even Jesus would retreat for seasons, times, and moments.

Jesus had boundaries and yet I didn't? 

Who was I to think I didn't need more rest?

My insecurity

"If I stop it might all fall apart".

In hindsight maybe it would have, maybe it wouldn't have? I will never know!

What I do know is that my insecurity caused me to not have boundaries and hold tightly to far too much in ministry.

Now I see it so easy in my life.

I recognise the gut emotion and gut feel of it.

And I see it all around me.

You see it is easy to 'spiritualise' some decisions as a leader to try and mitigate your insecurity. I have to own that. And as a side note to other leaders who might be reading this, if you are concerned you be insecure, take some time out to deal with it before it tips you over.

There are two parts of this for me.

The holding of things because you are insecure.

And then part 2 for yours truly - tipping over to people pleasing.

My insecurity led me to not want to upset more than I should have let it.

I avoided tough conversations. Leadership moments that would have been tough were avoided if possible.

Again that hurt me.

Right now I am exploring carefully this area.

Trying to focus on what I am good at or talented at.

Learning to ignore those people who are out there looking to tell you how much you suck.

At the end of the day I need to be the me that God wanted me to be all along. That is a journey, it takes time, and I need to "own' it. 

My stubbornness 

When I left my hometown in the 90's to seek my fame and fortune as a Rock-god it would be fair to say not many people thought it was a good idea. 

I had not much money. Not much skill. And just a crazy dream.

Part of my DNA is "I want to prove you wrong", meaning, if you say I can't do it, I will do it to prove you wrong.

This is as you might guess - good and bad.

Good if you have a dogged determination to live a God given dream, task etc.

Deadly if you are just being stubborn...

I am "owning" this emotion and drive.

I am now stubbornly trying to resolve its best fit in my life. 

My leadership

Honestly, one of things that attracts me to Jesus is His leadership style.

He seemed sure of himself, knew His role, knew His people and was marked by a willingness to serve.

Here is what I need to "own"

I probably focused on the servant leadership without developing the other skills He modelled.

Maybe because I thought it would be enough? That if I just served to the point of blowing up, that people would get it, they would respond, that things would work.

Well news flash - they didn't!

I burned myself out.

Leadership is a gift and a skill.

The skill part I believe is developed by what you learn from others and implementing their strategies.

What I need to "own" going forward is to grow in other leadership capacities.

My healing

A blind man heard Jesus walking down the road one day. I love what he does next!

He gets up, throws off his beggars cloak, and boldly asked Jesus for healing.

Hiding in place somewhere safe will give me respite but not healing.

Time does not heal all wounds.

I am exploring all sorts of ways to get healed. 

From trying new things, accepting new opportunities and reviewing my workload.

I have been working with my doctor to address my blood pressure and anxiety.

I have been working super slow on my physical fitness, not wanting to put the burden of going fast on this and getting disappointed.

I want to get better...

My hope in sharing some of this, as briefly as this simple thought allows, is that someone else might have the courage to recover and heal as I am in the process of. 

Something to think about...

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