Hurt

I have discovered recently that there are definitely some pieces of advice that are super easy to give and super difficult potentially to enact in life.
Not impossible. Just difficult.

For many years I promoted some "biblical" advice or instruction on a topic I was passionate about. I never portrayed it as super easy but something I strongly recommended if you want to do this life thing well.

I painted a picture for my listeners or readers of the easy steps one could take. I promoted strongly the super obvious benefits of going through this process.

I even regaled the audience with stories of my own past success in this area, in the hope it would encourage them to believe it was possible for them as well.

Then last year happened...

I am not talking about Covid-19 even though it played a small part.

I am not talking about the changed world in general and way of life for us all.

My life changed dramatically in the middle of the year when I found myself unemployed from what many would consider a stable, if not dramatic for most, career path as a Pastor.

I have shared in previous posts since that time that I have been on a journey of navigating burnout.

But burnout was not the only reason I found myself in this unenviable position at my stage of life.

Sadly many other people played a role in my departure from formal Church ministry.

For reasons only truly known to them, they decided the 'right thing' to do, was to leave our Church and encourage as many others as possible to do exactly the same thing.

They were people very close to us.

They were people seen as important, influential, even considered knowledgeable.

So why wouldn't people believe the bad report they gave out generously?

Many many things were said about me and my family.

Many accusations were made.

While they probably have 'good reasons' for their desire to move on, from what I had fed back to me, most of their statements were untrue and some were downright slanderous lies. 

Even as I type this some 7-8 months later, I honestly find it painful to think about.

Something in my heart hurts to some degree.

Time may have dulled the acute pain, but something is still there.

And that is what I want to share about today...

I know in my heart of hearts, in the very core of my being, that I need to forgive them.

But honestly part of me doesn't want to.

I don't want to forgive them at all.

Part of me is wanting revenge.

Part of me is hoping they suffer some repercussions for their role in my sadness.

I have found myself reviewing my so called great advice on forgiveness and realising it is not as easy as I hoped...

Please note - I am not going to share specifics!

The very last thing I want to ever do is go on some campaign to over defend myself even in light of the dribble spoken against me. I will not counter their destructive campaign with one of my own.

Even this week someone who had heard of me wanted to speak about it. They are friends with everyone who played a part in my demise. And inside I wanted to let rip. Oh boy I did. Thinking great, here is my shot to peg back the score a little in my favour. 

Gratefully something else inside of me tempered my response.

So right now I am honestly working through how to forgive those who hurt me, my family and the Church I proudly was leading with every ounce of my being.

A famous man from Bible times penned these words a long time ago and boy do they ring true for me...

It is not an enemy who taunts me—

I could bear that.

It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—

I could have hidden from them.

Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend.

Psalm 55:12-14 NLT

Jesus was having conversation about the dreaded forgiveness topic one day and responded to a question from one of his friends.

Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus rep-lied "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Matthew 18-21-22 NIV

Notice how it is always the person or people close enough to be a type of family member that forgiveness seems inexplicably linked to...and that is the point I think.

That is where the most hurt can potentially come from.

And that is why forgiveness is sooooo important.

It seems really at the end of the day the only way out from the pain we might be carrying.

It is the mechanism to release something we can't carry without extending the damage bitterness brings.

So yes I will continue to walk the burnout recovery journey.

I will continue to rebuild my life and some form of career.

Plus right now I am also navigating forgiving those who hurt me.

As Jesus famously said on that horrible cross, "Father forgive them, they have no idea what they are doing." 

I want that to grow as my hearts biggest cry going forward somehow.

To be the biggest underline of that horrible moment in my life.

Maybe you have been hurt at some stage by someone very close to you? I am so sorry that happened to you! I think I now have a measure of understanding of what it might have been like for you...

May you find the grace and space to explore forgiveness just as I am endeavouring to.

May we both grow from this hurt to a healthier place.

Something to think about...

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