How can you help? (helping someone facing burnout)

You may have asked yourself at some point "how can you help?"

Wondered what does helping someone dealing with burnout possibly look like?

Based on my own very personal experience as I journey through this and doing a whole lot of reading and research on this topic, I have boiled down my advice on how you could possibly help someone navigating this season. 

It is purposefully short because this is actually the point for me and others on this journey.

People with burnout simply cannot deal with convoluted and overly complicated recovery plans.

You are tired. Your brain is tired. Your soul is weary. 

So simple is best for us.

So here are my 4 quick tips...

1. Avoid trying to fix us

Seek to journey with us as opposed to giving your all in a moment.

Your 5 best tips for a better life won't be received in the manner you would like.

Those who are "fixers" are super quick to try and fix you with their unsolicited (at times) quick fire advice.

Those who are "explainers" want to drill deep and fast, many times attributing blame thick and heavy, and then layering it up with endless advice.

Even with the best of intentions fixers and explainers come across as "I am doing great, you're doing not so great, therefore I am better than you."

There is a a concept in Jewish culture I have always found fascinating.

It is called in English - sitting shiva. 

Essentially the idea is all based around simply sitting with someone who is grieving, struggling, facing loss on some level. You shut up. You listen. You support and show love just by being there with in their moment of struggle and need.

If they want to talk that is fine, but you do it on their terms.

You are purposefully tempering your response. 

Advice giving is by invitation only and then kept simple.

Simple is best and little is even better.

Trust me, we feel bad enough as it is. 

We blame ourselves with a level of self loathing you can not comprehend. 

But you being there will speak love at a level deeply unique.

2. Simply listen to us

Maybe it is because we want to simplify the way the world works for our benefit and ease of understanding? We seem to expect everyone is the same because we are all human.

But I have been reminded many times over in my life that while that is true, we are hugely nuanced as individuals. Our upbringing, experiences and even responses create in us subtle differences. Differences not to be frowned upon. Actually to ultimately be embraced.

That is why this point follows the first. The fixer mentality is doubly wrong because we aren't all the same.  

Being told that they understand when they don't is really frustrating. 

Even if you think you do, my friend you simply don't.

And burned out people don't expect you to understand but hope you might listen...

Ask how they feel.

Ask how they are going.

And if they don't want to talk, just hangout.

Trust me in this. A burned out person is very torn...

On one hand we want to run and hide and on the other we are desperately lonely.

A gentle and genuine friend, even for a moment, does something for you that you can not always put into words.

3. See how you can journey with us

A journey is what we are on.

And if you want to help, you join us on the journey...

Look for ways to encourage us. 

Burned out people have normally lost their confidence and confidence takes times to rebuild in any meaningful way. 

It is probably going to take longer than you think for us to come "right", whatever that means and looks like going forward.

Trust me, we are more frustrated over the recovery time than you ever will be. And if we pick up on the fact you are frustrated at some lack of perceived recovery progress, well that reinforces the sense of failure and frustration we live with.

Simply and wisely pick a pattern of contact that is slow and steady.

That works best for us and should take all the pressure off you.

4. Speak well of us

We are specially tuned to negative. 

We feel like a failure. 

Everything around us reminds us that the sense of failure is a true and lived reality.

It doesn't always matter that you as a friend or support person sees us as unique, talented etc. We see ourselves as fallen and broken and even potentially now worthless. That is why many contemplate the ultimate checkout. We feel we have lost so much and the clouds in our head prevent us from seeing how life could even be better.

Speak well of us to our face.

Speak well of us behind our back.

And if you are a praying person, speak well of us to God...

You can be part of someones recovery!

You have an opportunity to make a difference in someones life that they will indeed never forget. 

That is pretty unique and honourable in my opinion. 

And we all want to make a difference right?

Well this could be your divine opportunity....

So if you know someone like me on this particular journey please don't just give them space. Space eventually turns into distance, which turns into perceived loss. 

Wisely, graciously, prayerfully, gently grab these tips and be heaven on earth to that dear one facing this unenviable journey.

Something to think about...

If you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with something called Buy Me A Coffee - your support means the world to us!

Real, Raw, Relevant

If you asked me in a conversation "how many Facebook friends do you have?", to my shame now and over the years of being on social media, I could probably answer you exactly, to the number.

I wonder if you are like me and now think that is kind of weird?

This strange I guess pathological desire or need to have a large so-called friend group.

To have a platform, an audience, a crowd that we hope we can impress on some level and desperately hope that will cheer us on.

As part of this current life and recovery journey I have been on I have learned again that in regards to friends, and I mean true friends, less in not a bad thing. It is actually the best thing!

Quantity is definitely not guaranteed to bring quality. 

And "the right" friends is so much more conducive to my recovery.

Maybe you buck this trend...well good for you!

But sadly most of us have drunk the cool-aid.

We get some sense of value from having as many social media friends as possible.

The idea that maybe lots of friends will make you "feel" more accepted, valued and even encouraged.

As a Pastor our time is strangely split between crowds and one on one interactions.

Sundays or specials events is your crowd moment face to face. 

Then we have a crowd we have following our blogs, listening to our podcasts, watching our 'gram' pics with our ministry highlights.

One on one we seek to help those wrestling with whatever they are facing. Hoping our advice/ministry
could be the difference maker in that moment.

We ride a paradox of never alone and yet sometimes feeling very alone.

When our 'ministry' came to a screeching halt last year this all became very real, raw and relevant for me to somehow deal with, to navigate out of, and build a slightly different existence.

I discovered that friends who I thought were friends simply weren't.

I discovered the crowds disappeared like a chocolate bar in our home - very quickly!

And I also discovered something very cool...

I will come back to that very soon - but first can I talk about this Jesus guy (please don't freak out if he is not your thing right now)?

The other day I was driving home from one of my many part time contract roles I do now. Thinking about how this Jesus guy was purportedly the greatest person ever to exist and yet he didn't have many friends!

History tells us he picked 12 guys to be his disciples and learn from him. And when it came to very personal and special moments, he only included a small group of 3.

Was it because he was not cool? Was his social media cred not on point?

I realised that Jesus had a few close friends because that is what worked best for him.

And I have learned in this season that a few great friends is all I really need.

Jesus example I think is a great example for us all...

I have some amazing people in my life right now.

People I feel I can be real, raw and relevant with.

I would name them but that would probably embarrass them. 

They have made all the difference for me and I am extremely grateful.

Maybe you recognise the trap now that might have been set for you?

That bait of popularity, of persona based on nothing more than a reader digest highlight real.

Maybe you feel lonely in the crowd?

My friend don't do anything rash, simply focus on have a few great friends. Cultivate a few special friendship where you can be real, raw and relevant with.

In my opinion it is far healthier and will help you navigate life so much better.

Something to think about...

If you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with something called Buy Me A Coffee - your support means the world to us!

Hurt

I have discovered recently that there are definitely some pieces of advice that are super easy to give and super difficult potentially to enact in life.
Not impossible. Just difficult.

For many years I promoted some "biblical" advice or instruction on a topic I was passionate about. I never portrayed it as super easy but something I strongly recommended if you want to do this life thing well.

I painted a picture for my listeners or readers of the easy steps one could take. I promoted strongly the super obvious benefits of going through this process.

I even regaled the audience with stories of my own past success in this area, in the hope it would encourage them to believe it was possible for them as well.

Then last year happened...

I am not talking about Covid-19 even though it played a small part.

I am not talking about the changed world in general and way of life for us all.

My life changed dramatically in the middle of the year when I found myself unemployed from what many would consider a stable, if not dramatic for most, career path as a Pastor.

I have shared in previous posts since that time that I have been on a journey of navigating burnout.

But burnout was not the only reason I found myself in this unenviable position at my stage of life.

Sadly many other people played a role in my departure from formal Church ministry.

For reasons only truly known to them, they decided the 'right thing' to do, was to leave our Church and encourage as many others as possible to do exactly the same thing.

They were people very close to us.

They were people seen as important, influential, even considered knowledgeable.

So why wouldn't people believe the bad report they gave out generously?

Many many things were said about me and my family.

Many accusations were made.

While they probably have 'good reasons' for their desire to move on, from what I had fed back to me, most of their statements were untrue and some were downright slanderous lies. 

Even as I type this some 7-8 months later, I honestly find it painful to think about.

Something in my heart hurts to some degree.

Time may have dulled the acute pain, but something is still there.

And that is what I want to share about today...

I know in my heart of hearts, in the very core of my being, that I need to forgive them.

But honestly part of me doesn't want to.

I don't want to forgive them at all.

Part of me is wanting revenge.

Part of me is hoping they suffer some repercussions for their role in my sadness.

I have found myself reviewing my so called great advice on forgiveness and realising it is not as easy as I hoped...

Please note - I am not going to share specifics!

The very last thing I want to ever do is go on some campaign to over defend myself even in light of the dribble spoken against me. I will not counter their destructive campaign with one of my own.

Even this week someone who had heard of me wanted to speak about it. They are friends with everyone who played a part in my demise. And inside I wanted to let rip. Oh boy I did. Thinking great, here is my shot to peg back the score a little in my favour. 

Gratefully something else inside of me tempered my response.

So right now I am honestly working through how to forgive those who hurt me, my family and the Church I proudly was leading with every ounce of my being.

A famous man from Bible times penned these words a long time ago and boy do they ring true for me...

It is not an enemy who taunts me—

I could bear that.

It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—

I could have hidden from them.

Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend.

Psalm 55:12-14 NLT

Jesus was having conversation about the dreaded forgiveness topic one day and responded to a question from one of his friends.

Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus rep-lied "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Matthew 18-21-22 NIV

Notice how it is always the person or people close enough to be a type of family member that forgiveness seems inexplicably linked to...and that is the point I think.

That is where the most hurt can potentially come from.

And that is why forgiveness is sooooo important.

It seems really at the end of the day the only way out from the pain we might be carrying.

It is the mechanism to release something we can't carry without extending the damage bitterness brings.

So yes I will continue to walk the burnout recovery journey.

I will continue to rebuild my life and some form of career.

Plus right now I am also navigating forgiving those who hurt me.

As Jesus famously said on that horrible cross, "Father forgive them, they have no idea what they are doing." 

I want that to grow as my hearts biggest cry going forward somehow.

To be the biggest underline of that horrible moment in my life.

Maybe you have been hurt at some stage by someone very close to you? I am so sorry that happened to you! I think I now have a measure of understanding of what it might have been like for you...

May you find the grace and space to explore forgiveness just as I am endeavouring to.

May we both grow from this hurt to a healthier place.

Something to think about...

If you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with Buy Me A Coffee - I love coffee!

What do I need to "own"?

I have learned a lot about myself post since my lowest point.

And I can honestly see and identify some areas I need to "own" and take more responsibility for.

You see the problem with burnout and the hurt related emotions you end up lumped with, is that you want to blame something or someone. 

I need you to know that I am part of the burnout problem. 

I helped get myself to this point.

Others did things that hurt me and pushed it over the edge as they say, but they are not totally to blame. 

There have been parts of my make-up, my responses (and sometimes lack of), that set this up for me many many years ago.

That's why as part of my healing I need to "own" what I didn't do right. "Own" what was from my corner all along.

If I don't do this I am afraid I will never fully recover.

I am guaranteed to repeat my mistakes.

And I fear I could become bitter...

So here we go.  Here is my clumsy attempt of "owning" how I found myself burned out.

This is not a self deprecating move. 

It is not a feel sorry for me cry.

It is simply part of my recovery process.

My boundaries

"Sacrifice will lead to success".

"If I just work hard there will be a reward".

Those and similar concepts have forever resounded with me. I value working hard and knowing I have worked hard. 

Working hard is not a bad thing. 

But not stopping working hard is!

I have discovered through this process that I had very little in the way of healthy boundaries. 

If it was work or ministry related I said yes, then yes again, and then yes some more. 

Even if it was hurting, I was still hunting down the work.

When I finally stopped full-time ministry I had 40+ weeks of annual leave owing, not including a sabbatical I never took!

I ignored how even Jesus would retreat for seasons, times, and moments.

Jesus had boundaries and yet I didn't? 

Who was I to think I didn't need more rest?

My insecurity

"If I stop it might all fall apart".

In hindsight maybe it would have, maybe it wouldn't have? I will never know!

What I do know is that my insecurity caused me to not have boundaries and hold tightly to far too much in ministry.

Now I see it so easy in my life.

I recognise the gut emotion and gut feel of it.

And I see it all around me.

You see it is easy to 'spiritualise' some decisions as a leader to try and mitigate your insecurity. I have to own that. And as a side note to other leaders who might be reading this, if you are concerned you be insecure, take some time out to deal with it before it tips you over.

There are two parts of this for me.

The holding of things because you are insecure.

And then part 2 for yours truly - tipping over to people pleasing.

My insecurity led me to not want to upset more than I should have let it.

I avoided tough conversations. Leadership moments that would have been tough were avoided if possible.

Again that hurt me.

Right now I am exploring carefully this area.

Trying to focus on what I am good at or talented at.

Learning to ignore those people who are out there looking to tell you how much you suck.

At the end of the day I need to be the me that God wanted me to be all along. That is a journey, it takes time, and I need to "own' it. 

My stubbornness 

When I left my hometown in the 90's to seek my fame and fortune as a Rock-god it would be fair to say not many people thought it was a good idea. 

I had not much money. Not much skill. And just a crazy dream.

Part of my DNA is "I want to prove you wrong", meaning, if you say I can't do it, I will do it to prove you wrong.

This is as you might guess - good and bad.

Good if you have a dogged determination to live a God given dream, task etc.

Deadly if you are just being stubborn...

I am "owning" this emotion and drive.

I am now stubbornly trying to resolve its best fit in my life. 

My leadership

Honestly, one of things that attracts me to Jesus is His leadership style.

He seemed sure of himself, knew His role, knew His people and was marked by a willingness to serve.

Here is what I need to "own"

I probably focused on the servant leadership without developing the other skills He modelled.

Maybe because I thought it would be enough? That if I just served to the point of blowing up, that people would get it, they would respond, that things would work.

Well news flash - they didn't!

I burned myself out.

Leadership is a gift and a skill.

The skill part I believe is developed by what you learn from others and implementing their strategies.

What I need to "own" going forward is to grow in other leadership capacities.

My healing

A blind man heard Jesus walking down the road one day. I love what he does next!

He gets up, throws off his beggars cloak, and boldly asked Jesus for healing.

Hiding in place somewhere safe will give me respite but not healing.

Time does not heal all wounds.

I am exploring all sorts of ways to get healed. 

From trying new things, accepting new opportunities and reviewing my workload.

I have been working with my doctor to address my blood pressure and anxiety.

I have been working super slow on my physical fitness, not wanting to put the burden of going fast on this and getting disappointed.

I want to get better...

My hope in sharing some of this, as briefly as this simple thought allows, is that someone else might have the courage to recover and heal as I am in the process of. 

Something to think about...

If you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with Buy Me A Coffee - I love coffee!

Make adjustments...it doesn't make you a failure!

When I watch some of my favourite sports live, or on tv, there is a reoccurring theme at halftime during these games. The players and coach sit down and review their game-plan that they began their epic battle with, and do something mysterious...they make adjustments!

It is not about being right or wrong, it is about adjusting to the unforeseen, looking for ways to improve, because they ultimately know that without some adjustment they could lose.

I sometimes think we are scared of making adjustments to our lives.

Like some sort of pride trap that locks us on a trajectory, where we just hope and pray that we don't lose in the end.

Making adjustments to your life at times is in fact wisdom. 

It is not failure. It is not an admission of fault. It is not a sign of weakness.

Paul wrote some very wise words to his young protege Timothy...

"Watch your life and doctrine closely..." 1 Timothy 4:16 NIV

This I believe is an all encompassing game-plan/strategy for anyone's life, whether you're a person of faith or not, that you should take time to review your life's game-plan, your direction, and then make any necessary adjustments.

Take it from me I know this only toooooo well! After not taking this advice on board over many years I drove myself into the ground and burned myself out. 

Looking back I doggedly determined to stay focused on the goal and push, push, push.

The problem was not the goal, but how I was getting myself there. I needed adjustment long before adjustment was forced upon me.

Don't be me LOL.

Can I encourage you today to make time, even a moment over the next few days, to review your trajectory?

Pray, meditate, strategise, and make adjustments if and where you might need to.

I think it is worth the investment in yourself.

Something to think about...

If you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with Buy Me A Coffee - I love coffee!