How can you help? (helping someone facing burnout)

You may have asked yourself at some point "how can you help?"

Wondered what does helping someone dealing with burnout possibly look like?

Based on my own very personal experience as I journey through this and doing a whole lot of reading and research on this topic, I have boiled down my advice on how you could possibly help someone navigating this season. 

It is purposefully short because this is actually the point for me and others on this journey.

People with burnout simply cannot deal with convoluted and overly complicated recovery plans.

You are tired. Your brain is tired. Your soul is weary. 

So simple is best for us.

So here are my 4 quick tips...

1. Avoid trying to fix us

Seek to journey with us as opposed to giving your all in a moment.

Your 5 best tips for a better life won't be received in the manner you would like.

Those who are "fixers" are super quick to try and fix you with their unsolicited (at times) quick fire advice.

Those who are "explainers" want to drill deep and fast, many times attributing blame thick and heavy, and then layering it up with endless advice.

Even with the best of intentions fixers and explainers come across as "I am doing great, you're doing not so great, therefore I am better than you."

There is a a concept in Jewish culture I have always found fascinating.

It is called in English - sitting shiva. 

Essentially the idea is all based around simply sitting with someone who is grieving, struggling, facing loss on some level. You shut up. You listen. You support and show love just by being there with in their moment of struggle and need.

If they want to talk that is fine, but you do it on their terms.

You are purposefully tempering your response. 

Advice giving is by invitation only and then kept simple.

Simple is best and little is even better.

Trust me, we feel bad enough as it is. 

We blame ourselves with a level of self loathing you can not comprehend. 

But you being there will speak love at a level deeply unique.

2. Simply listen to us

Maybe it is because we want to simplify the way the world works for our benefit and ease of understanding? We seem to expect everyone is the same because we are all human.

But I have been reminded many times over in my life that while that is true, we are hugely nuanced as individuals. Our upbringing, experiences and even responses create in us subtle differences. Differences not to be frowned upon. Actually to ultimately be embraced.

That is why this point follows the first. The fixer mentality is doubly wrong because we aren't all the same.  

Being told that they understand when they don't is really frustrating. 

Even if you think you do, my friend you simply don't.

And burned out people don't expect you to understand but hope you might listen...

Ask how they feel.

Ask how they are going.

And if they don't want to talk, just hangout.

Trust me in this. A burned out person is very torn...

On one hand we want to run and hide and on the other we are desperately lonely.

A gentle and genuine friend, even for a moment, does something for you that you can not always put into words.

3. See how you can journey with us

A journey is what we are on.

And if you want to help, you join us on the journey...

Look for ways to encourage us. 

Burned out people have normally lost their confidence and confidence takes times to rebuild in any meaningful way. 

It is probably going to take longer than you think for us to come "right", whatever that means and looks like going forward.

Trust me, we are more frustrated over the recovery time than you ever will be. And if we pick up on the fact you are frustrated at some lack of perceived recovery progress, well that reinforces the sense of failure and frustration we live with.

Simply and wisely pick a pattern of contact that is slow and steady.

That works best for us and should take all the pressure off you.

4. Speak well of us

We are specially tuned to negative. 

We feel like a failure. 

Everything around us reminds us that the sense of failure is a true and lived reality.

It doesn't always matter that you as a friend or support person sees us as unique, talented etc. We see ourselves as fallen and broken and even potentially now worthless. That is why many contemplate the ultimate checkout. We feel we have lost so much and the clouds in our head prevent us from seeing how life could even be better.

Speak well of us to our face.

Speak well of us behind our back.

And if you are a praying person, speak well of us to God...

You can be part of someones recovery!

You have an opportunity to make a difference in someones life that they will indeed never forget. 

That is pretty unique and honourable in my opinion. 

And we all want to make a difference right?

Well this could be your divine opportunity....

So if you know someone like me on this particular journey please don't just give them space. Space eventually turns into distance, which turns into perceived loss. 

Wisely, graciously, prayerfully, gently grab these tips and be heaven on earth to that dear one facing this unenviable journey.

Something to think about...

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