What I going to share with you today is not news for me today, to share today.
It is not based on a moment of decision or even indecision.
It is predicated on a philosophy I picked up somewhere, maybe from everywhere, that resonated so strongly with something in me, that it became part of me without much filtering or ongoing review.
I have held a firm belief for as long as I can remember, that if I worked real real hard at absolutely everything, that the rewards would come. Like some mandated equation of the cosmos where you will "win" based on effort expressed. Rewards of "success", rewards of financial security, Church growth. ministry opportunities and more...
I have caught myself saying this phrase many times over the years...
"It is better to burn out than to fade away"
Honestly is was more of who I am than I cared to admit, even if I said on some level that I was joking.
No, the Bible doesn't give this as a life rule to live by.
No, there was not a person who told me to directly to live like this in my formative years.
It was something that my soul liked the sound of when it caught wind of it floating in the breeze and to which my flesh propelled me forward for decades.
So here I am.
Beginning 2021 in some way the same as I finished 2020.
Officially burned out.
That silly little phrase played out just as it said.
Maybe it could be said that it had some prophetic power over me?
I left full-time ministry and official Church life at the beginning of August last year unaware just how burned out I was. Others could see it. I simply couldn't. Still wanted to charge on. Still wanting to live on the vapours left in my tank. To stop meant every conceivable negative for me, failure, defeat, perceived laziness even...
A couple of days a go as I was riding my bike that phrase entered my mind I thought somewhat randomly. It caused me to do some research into its potential origins and more.
I wouldn't say it was an epiphany moment. Maybe one of much needed clarity.
A movie I watched as a teenager and really enjoyed was called the Highlander.
A mythical story about an immortal Scottish Warrior (my heritage so intrigued me on some level) who fought evil. In the soundtrack by Queen there it is "better to burn out than fade away"
A "cool" band from the 80's that I loved was Def Leppard.
Their song Rock of Ages kicks off lyrically with this...
"Gunter gleiben glauchen globen
All right
I got somethin' to say
Yeah, it's better to burn out
Yeah, than fade away"
Influential musician Kurt Corbain sadly gave up on life in 1994 in a tragic and dramatic fashion.
I learnt today while researching this topic, that his suicide note actually included a very similar phrase and sentiment. I also learnt that Neil Young and others have over the years penned lyrics of a similar vain.
Wow, this simple phrase is not just a phrase at all.
It has honestly damaged me. And it has gone as far as to destroy others.
So where to from here?
Honestly I sort of know and sort of don't.
I am really just taking it slow (the opposite of my personality).
I am trying to rebuild many areas of my life.
I am trying to heal and learn at the same time.
My hope right now is not for restoration to where I was before. Yuck.
What I really want I guess is be better and be better.
Better on the inside of me and better at living this life God has graciously given me.
Right now I am not sure how to close this off.
My normal would be a scripture or a challenge kind of thing...
Maybe I just want you know a little of story as part of my journey going forward?
Maybe this is for me more than you?
Wherever you are and whoever you are, thanks for reading.
Be yourself, be who God made you to be, listen for His voice.
And know people like think you are awesome!
The story isn't over yet...
Hope to share with you again real soon!
If you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with Buy Me A Coffee - I love coffee!
4 comments:
Thanks for your honestly Locky! I think I was unintentionally brought up with a similar philosophy for life. One thing that has really helped me with this is an app called calm. I did the 7 days of calm and the 21 days of calm in the app (the 2 introductory plans on mindfulness and meditation). While they seem quite simple (and a fair few people in Christian circles are quite anti this sort of thing) it really helped me to slow down, breathe, refocus.
I really love and appreciate your raw honesty and vulnerability. This is what the world and definitely the church needs more of! Thank you for sharing. We have walked a similar but different journey and have loved all God has shown us along the way though at times it wasn't/isn't. He is faithful! I know this will touch the hearts of many but is obviously a part of your journey too. Bless you and your family.
Thanks for being so honest and real. Ministry is daunting and the pressure of having it all together at all times even more. Being real and authentic can be seen as weakness, but once you open up, you will see there are others in the same boat. God bless.!!
I am a Karin, spelt with an "i"
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