Hurt

I have discovered recently that there are definitely some pieces of advice that are super easy to give and super difficult potentially to enact in life.
Not impossible. Just difficult.

For many years I promoted some "biblical" advice or instruction on a topic I was passionate about. I never portrayed it as super easy but something I strongly recommended if you want to do this life thing well.

I painted a picture for my listeners or readers of the easy steps one could take. I promoted strongly the super obvious benefits of going through this process.

I even regaled the audience with stories of my own past success in this area, in the hope it would encourage them to believe it was possible for them as well.

Then last year happened...

I am not talking about Covid-19 even though it played a small part.

I am not talking about the changed world in general and way of life for us all.

My life changed dramatically in the middle of the year when I found myself unemployed from what many would consider a stable, if not dramatic for most, career path as a Pastor.

I have shared in previous posts since that time that I have been on a journey of navigating burnout.

But burnout was not the only reason I found myself in this unenviable position at my stage of life.

Sadly many other people played a role in my departure from formal Church ministry.

For reasons only truly known to them, they decided the 'right thing' to do, was to leave our Church and encourage as many others as possible to do exactly the same thing.

They were people very close to us.

They were people seen as important, influential, even considered knowledgeable.

So why wouldn't people believe the bad report they gave out generously?

Many many things were said about me and my family.

Many accusations were made.

While they probably have 'good reasons' for their desire to move on, from what I had fed back to me, most of their statements were untrue and some were downright slanderous lies. 

Even as I type this some 7-8 months later, I honestly find it painful to think about.

Something in my heart hurts to some degree.

Time may have dulled the acute pain, but something is still there.

And that is what I want to share about today...

I know in my heart of hearts, in the very core of my being, that I need to forgive them.

But honestly part of me doesn't want to.

I don't want to forgive them at all.

Part of me is wanting revenge.

Part of me is hoping they suffer some repercussions for their role in my sadness.

I have found myself reviewing my so called great advice on forgiveness and realising it is not as easy as I hoped...

Please note - I am not going to share specifics!

The very last thing I want to ever do is go on some campaign to over defend myself even in light of the dribble spoken against me. I will not counter their destructive campaign with one of my own.

Even this week someone who had heard of me wanted to speak about it. They are friends with everyone who played a part in my demise. And inside I wanted to let rip. Oh boy I did. Thinking great, here is my shot to peg back the score a little in my favour. 

Gratefully something else inside of me tempered my response.

So right now I am honestly working through how to forgive those who hurt me, my family and the Church I proudly was leading with every ounce of my being.

A famous man from Bible times penned these words a long time ago and boy do they ring true for me...

It is not an enemy who taunts me—

I could bear that.

It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—

I could have hidden from them.

Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend.

Psalm 55:12-14 NLT

Jesus was having conversation about the dreaded forgiveness topic one day and responded to a question from one of his friends.

Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus rep-lied "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Matthew 18-21-22 NIV

Notice how it is always the person or people close enough to be a type of family member that forgiveness seems inexplicably linked to...and that is the point I think.

That is where the most hurt can potentially come from.

And that is why forgiveness is sooooo important.

It seems really at the end of the day the only way out from the pain we might be carrying.

It is the mechanism to release something we can't carry without extending the damage bitterness brings.

So yes I will continue to walk the burnout recovery journey.

I will continue to rebuild my life and some form of career.

Plus right now I am also navigating forgiving those who hurt me.

As Jesus famously said on that horrible cross, "Father forgive them, they have no idea what they are doing." 

I want that to grow as my hearts biggest cry going forward somehow.

To be the biggest underline of that horrible moment in my life.

Maybe you have been hurt at some stage by someone very close to you? I am so sorry that happened to you! I think I now have a measure of understanding of what it might have been like for you...

May you find the grace and space to explore forgiveness just as I am endeavouring to.

May we both grow from this hurt to a healthier place.

Something to think about...

If you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with Buy Me A Coffee - I love coffee!

What do I need to "own"?

I have learned a lot about myself post since my lowest point.

And I can honestly see and identify some areas I need to "own" and take more responsibility for.

You see the problem with burnout and the hurt related emotions you end up lumped with, is that you want to blame something or someone. 

I need you to know that I am part of the burnout problem. 

I helped get myself to this point.

Others did things that hurt me and pushed it over the edge as they say, but they are not totally to blame. 

There have been parts of my make-up, my responses (and sometimes lack of), that set this up for me many many years ago.

That's why as part of my healing I need to "own" what I didn't do right. "Own" what was from my corner all along.

If I don't do this I am afraid I will never fully recover.

I am guaranteed to repeat my mistakes.

And I fear I could become bitter...

So here we go.  Here is my clumsy attempt of "owning" how I found myself burned out.

This is not a self deprecating move. 

It is not a feel sorry for me cry.

It is simply part of my recovery process.

My boundaries

"Sacrifice will lead to success".

"If I just work hard there will be a reward".

Those and similar concepts have forever resounded with me. I value working hard and knowing I have worked hard. 

Working hard is not a bad thing. 

But not stopping working hard is!

I have discovered through this process that I had very little in the way of healthy boundaries. 

If it was work or ministry related I said yes, then yes again, and then yes some more. 

Even if it was hurting, I was still hunting down the work.

When I finally stopped full-time ministry I had 40+ weeks of annual leave owing, not including a sabbatical I never took!

I ignored how even Jesus would retreat for seasons, times, and moments.

Jesus had boundaries and yet I didn't? 

Who was I to think I didn't need more rest?

My insecurity

"If I stop it might all fall apart".

In hindsight maybe it would have, maybe it wouldn't have? I will never know!

What I do know is that my insecurity caused me to not have boundaries and hold tightly to far too much in ministry.

Now I see it so easy in my life.

I recognise the gut emotion and gut feel of it.

And I see it all around me.

You see it is easy to 'spiritualise' some decisions as a leader to try and mitigate your insecurity. I have to own that. And as a side note to other leaders who might be reading this, if you are concerned you be insecure, take some time out to deal with it before it tips you over.

There are two parts of this for me.

The holding of things because you are insecure.

And then part 2 for yours truly - tipping over to people pleasing.

My insecurity led me to not want to upset more than I should have let it.

I avoided tough conversations. Leadership moments that would have been tough were avoided if possible.

Again that hurt me.

Right now I am exploring carefully this area.

Trying to focus on what I am good at or talented at.

Learning to ignore those people who are out there looking to tell you how much you suck.

At the end of the day I need to be the me that God wanted me to be all along. That is a journey, it takes time, and I need to "own' it. 

My stubbornness 

When I left my hometown in the 90's to seek my fame and fortune as a Rock-god it would be fair to say not many people thought it was a good idea. 

I had not much money. Not much skill. And just a crazy dream.

Part of my DNA is "I want to prove you wrong", meaning, if you say I can't do it, I will do it to prove you wrong.

This is as you might guess - good and bad.

Good if you have a dogged determination to live a God given dream, task etc.

Deadly if you are just being stubborn...

I am "owning" this emotion and drive.

I am now stubbornly trying to resolve its best fit in my life. 

My leadership

Honestly, one of things that attracts me to Jesus is His leadership style.

He seemed sure of himself, knew His role, knew His people and was marked by a willingness to serve.

Here is what I need to "own"

I probably focused on the servant leadership without developing the other skills He modelled.

Maybe because I thought it would be enough? That if I just served to the point of blowing up, that people would get it, they would respond, that things would work.

Well news flash - they didn't!

I burned myself out.

Leadership is a gift and a skill.

The skill part I believe is developed by what you learn from others and implementing their strategies.

What I need to "own" going forward is to grow in other leadership capacities.

My healing

A blind man heard Jesus walking down the road one day. I love what he does next!

He gets up, throws off his beggars cloak, and boldly asked Jesus for healing.

Hiding in place somewhere safe will give me respite but not healing.

Time does not heal all wounds.

I am exploring all sorts of ways to get healed. 

From trying new things, accepting new opportunities and reviewing my workload.

I have been working with my doctor to address my blood pressure and anxiety.

I have been working super slow on my physical fitness, not wanting to put the burden of going fast on this and getting disappointed.

I want to get better...

My hope in sharing some of this, as briefly as this simple thought allows, is that someone else might have the courage to recover and heal as I am in the process of. 

Something to think about...

If you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with Buy Me A Coffee - I love coffee!

Make adjustments...it doesn't make you a failure!

When I watch some of my favourite sports live, or on tv, there is a reoccurring theme at halftime during these games. The players and coach sit down and review their game-plan that they began their epic battle with, and do something mysterious...they make adjustments!

It is not about being right or wrong, it is about adjusting to the unforeseen, looking for ways to improve, because they ultimately know that without some adjustment they could lose.

I sometimes think we are scared of making adjustments to our lives.

Like some sort of pride trap that locks us on a trajectory, where we just hope and pray that we don't lose in the end.

Making adjustments to your life at times is in fact wisdom. 

It is not failure. It is not an admission of fault. It is not a sign of weakness.

Paul wrote some very wise words to his young protege Timothy...

"Watch your life and doctrine closely..." 1 Timothy 4:16 NIV

This I believe is an all encompassing game-plan/strategy for anyone's life, whether you're a person of faith or not, that you should take time to review your life's game-plan, your direction, and then make any necessary adjustments.

Take it from me I know this only toooooo well! After not taking this advice on board over many years I drove myself into the ground and burned myself out. 

Looking back I doggedly determined to stay focused on the goal and push, push, push.

The problem was not the goal, but how I was getting myself there. I needed adjustment long before adjustment was forced upon me.

Don't be me LOL.

Can I encourage you today to make time, even a moment over the next few days, to review your trajectory?

Pray, meditate, strategise, and make adjustments if and where you might need to.

I think it is worth the investment in yourself.

Something to think about...

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I Used To...

Have you found yourself saying to someone or even simply thinking to yourself "I used to..."?

This is in reference to something you used to do.

That maybe you were good at.

That maybe brought you great satisfaction.

That maybe you thought was a great fit for you...

I am not talking about a season in life. Where that thing you used to do was something you know in your heart was just supposed to be for that particular season.

I am talking about something profoundly more special that was part of the unique formula that makes you you. Something that helped show the world small or big, just who you were to the world, and the place you could have in it.

Lately I have been thinking about one of my "I used to...".

Something that gave me amazing satisfaction on the inside. 

Something that helped me communicate my thoughts, emotions and ultimately my heart.

That even helped me process different thoughts and events in my life.

I used to...write songs...

I have written hundreds of them over my lifetime.

The first one was when I began to learn the piano at a young age about flying into space. I had only been getting lessons for a few weeks and yet I wanted to create my own music.

Later that progressed to writing lyrics in the first band I was in before we transitioned to me being the primary songwriter. All through my late teens and early twenties, in whatever sphere I was in, bands, Church, whatever, I just wrote songs to fit the place I found myself.

Now here I am as you know, navigating burnout recovery and pondering whether I should be doing it again. Trying to reconcile whether that season had passed in my life or whether I had simply neglected a gift that helped me be me.

Last week I decided to stop thinking about it and just give it another go.

The moment I did, the indecision of many years dropped off and something that seemed dormant in my spirit woke up. I wrote my first song in something like 14 years!

The next step was to play it someone. That is the bit I have not always enjoyed to be honest. That vulnerable moment when you feel exposed to others, and their opinion of it. 

So I skipped the play it to my wife step (sorry Suze!) out of my insecurity and quietly dropped it into my set last Sunday as I played an acoustic gig at the local markets.

So far I have had great feedback which is real nice and a huge relief. But that is not the real issue here as you might have already guessed?

The issue is that I am in part a songwriter. I need to own it.

Whether I am good is not the point, it is simply how I am wired and in the end should be.

Maybe this is something that strikes a nerve with you today?

Maybe you have an "I used to..." in your own life that you have been thinking about recently or this blog stirs to memory?

Why not explore it and see if it is something for now, something that is part of your expression to the world?

I believe it will make a difference to you and all those around you!

I believe that for any of us to be whole we must own the gifts we have been given. Anything less makes us just that little less than who we can ultimately be.

Something to think about...

*Update November 2021 here is a link to a little recording we did of the song Lumps*

Do what you did at first Revelation 2:5

Do not neglect your gift 1 Timothy 4:14

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How Long? (When will I be back to normal?)

It is 100% normal to ask "how long?" when it comes to burnout and your recovery?

I have asked this question.

Many others before me have asked that same question.

The "when will I be back to normal?" sentiment.

At this point some of my friends are being cheeky and muttering under their breath that I was never normal - but that is some fun for another day...

The "how long?" is not something I have thought lots about, but it has been in the back of my mind.

It also seems to come up when people ask how I am and how I am tracking.

I have even heard it said that the length of time it takes to recover can sometimes match how long it took to get into this situation in the first place. At first glance that could sound a little depressing but further down this little blog I hope to address that concept.

Like I have already mentioned this question has been around a long time.

"How long?" was asked by many many people in the Bible as they waited for Heavens help, rescue, supply, and as they looked in faith to God. 

The super famous music supergroup U2 even wrote a song around this question called 40, which is riddled with the same question and sentiment. Ironically it looks like they have been influenced by some Bible verses as well if you look closely at the lyrics.

Here is my current thinking on this...

Burnout recovery is not a moment, it is a 100% process.

It takes time to get burned out, and it makes sense to me that it will probably take time to come back out.

What I think that personally helps me on the burnout recovery journey is to see it in terms of process.

A step by step. Week by week movement towards being better.

Why did I say week by week? 

I have learned that you can have good and bad days. A bad day doesn't indicate anything other than a bad day. I think a broader approach is better for your assessment towards being back.

It is all about little steps. Or progress. And on a scale that isn't too fast and painful the other way.

Seeing yourself getting fractionally better is better than spiralling further into that burnout hole.

I have actually begun to see burnout in part like a wind up.

Picture yourself internally turning and turning in one direction again and again.

Burnout to me feels like that internally. 

You are wound up so tight that at your lowest point you feel you cannot take anymore winding. That maybe one more twist would end you emotionally, physically or worse.

Conversely if you try and unwind yourself too fast you will probably go flying. The better approach is slowly unwinding and unpacking and even unlearning some really unhelpful ways of living life.

So if this is you? If you feel burned out and like a tightly wound string?

Don't stress about the speed to being recovered. 

Just take it slow. Slow allows you to pace yourself. To notice things and learn. To avoid healing pains, and yes, that is a thing...

If it helps, please know God is walking through your recovery valley with you, even if it's not clear that He is.

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;

heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.

My soul is in deep anguish.

How long, Lord, how long?

Psalm 6:2-3 NIV

Something to think about...

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