I Used To...

Have you found yourself saying to someone or even simply thinking to yourself "I used to..."?

This is in reference to something you used to do.

That maybe you were good at.

That maybe brought you great satisfaction.

That maybe you thought was a great fit for you...

I am not talking about a season in life. Where that thing you used to do was something you know in your heart was just supposed to be for that particular season.

I am talking about something profoundly more special that was part of the unique formula that makes you you. Something that helped show the world small or big, just who you were to the world, and the place you could have in it.

Lately I have been thinking about one of my "I used to...".

Something that gave me amazing satisfaction on the inside. 

Something that helped me communicate my thoughts, emotions and ultimately my heart.

That even helped me process different thoughts and events in my life.

I used to...write songs...

I have written hundreds of them over my lifetime.

The first one was when I began to learn the piano at a young age about flying into space. I had only been getting lessons for a few weeks and yet I wanted to create my own music.

Later that progressed to writing lyrics in the first band I was in before we transitioned to me being the primary songwriter. All through my late teens and early twenties, in whatever sphere I was in, bands, Church, whatever, I just wrote songs to fit the place I found myself.

Now here I am as you know, navigating burnout recovery and pondering whether I should be doing it again. Trying to reconcile whether that season had passed in my life or whether I had simply neglected a gift that helped me be me.

Last week I decided to stop thinking about it and just give it another go.

The moment I did, the indecision of many years dropped off and something that seemed dormant in my spirit woke up. I wrote my first song in something like 14 years!

The next step was to play it someone. That is the bit I have not always enjoyed to be honest. That vulnerable moment when you feel exposed to others, and their opinion of it. 

So I skipped the play it to my wife step (sorry Suze!) out of my insecurity and quietly dropped it into my set last Sunday as I played an acoustic gig at the local markets.

So far I have had great feedback which is real nice and a huge relief. But that is not the real issue here as you might have already guessed?

The issue is that I am in part a songwriter. I need to own it.

Whether I am good is not the point, it is simply how I am wired and in the end should be.

Maybe this is something that strikes a nerve with you today?

Maybe you have an "I used to..." in your own life that you have been thinking about recently or this blog stirs to memory?

Why not explore it and see if it is something for now, something that is part of your expression to the world?

I believe it will make a difference to you and all those around you!

I believe that for any of us to be whole we must own the gifts we have been given. Anything less makes us just that little less than who we can ultimately be.

Something to think about...

*Update November 2021 here is a link to a little recording we did of the song Lumps*

Do what you did at first Revelation 2:5

Do not neglect your gift 1 Timothy 4:14

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How Long? (When will I be back to normal?)

It is 100% normal to ask "how long?" when it comes to burnout and your recovery?

I have asked this question.

Many others before me have asked that same question.

The "when will I be back to normal?" sentiment.

At this point some of my friends are being cheeky and muttering under their breath that I was never normal - but that is some fun for another day...

The "how long?" is not something I have thought lots about, but it has been in the back of my mind.

It also seems to come up when people ask how I am and how I am tracking.

I have even heard it said that the length of time it takes to recover can sometimes match how long it took to get into this situation in the first place. At first glance that could sound a little depressing but further down this little blog I hope to address that concept.

Like I have already mentioned this question has been around a long time.

"How long?" was asked by many many people in the Bible as they waited for Heavens help, rescue, supply, and as they looked in faith to God. 

The super famous music supergroup U2 even wrote a song around this question called 40, which is riddled with the same question and sentiment. Ironically it looks like they have been influenced by some Bible verses as well if you look closely at the lyrics.

Here is my current thinking on this...

Burnout recovery is not a moment, it is a 100% process.

It takes time to get burned out, and it makes sense to me that it will probably take time to come back out.

What I think that personally helps me on the burnout recovery journey is to see it in terms of process.

A step by step. Week by week movement towards being better.

Why did I say week by week? 

I have learned that you can have good and bad days. A bad day doesn't indicate anything other than a bad day. I think a broader approach is better for your assessment towards being back.

It is all about little steps. Or progress. And on a scale that isn't too fast and painful the other way.

Seeing yourself getting fractionally better is better than spiralling further into that burnout hole.

I have actually begun to see burnout in part like a wind up.

Picture yourself internally turning and turning in one direction again and again.

Burnout to me feels like that internally. 

You are wound up so tight that at your lowest point you feel you cannot take anymore winding. That maybe one more twist would end you emotionally, physically or worse.

Conversely if you try and unwind yourself too fast you will probably go flying. The better approach is slowly unwinding and unpacking and even unlearning some really unhelpful ways of living life.

So if this is you? If you feel burned out and like a tightly wound string?

Don't stress about the speed to being recovered. 

Just take it slow. Slow allows you to pace yourself. To notice things and learn. To avoid healing pains, and yes, that is a thing...

If it helps, please know God is walking through your recovery valley with you, even if it's not clear that He is.

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;

heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.

My soul is in deep anguish.

How long, Lord, how long?

Psalm 6:2-3 NIV

Something to think about...

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My Burnout Recovery Plan

I have been hesitant to publish this post as I recognise that I have not fully recovered from my burnout yet.

Making declarations about what might be working for me and could be an answer for you should be taken a little lightly. In saying that, I still think something of my strategy could be a great platform you could try for yourself?

Here are 4 things I am focused on right now: 

1. Dump the what's next and focus on right now

I have discovered that my internal culture and the world around me is always screaming "what's next?". At our core I think we have an insatiable appetite for new, new, new and next, next, next.

In context for my burnout recovery I have dumped the "what's next?" question and the potential anxiety it causes me and instead I am focusing on right now. Taking whatever opportunity comes my way today. Doing what I can do and that's all. Letting tomorrow look after itself.

When I try and look too far ahead I don't feel very good.

Partly because my hope in the future has been bruised a little and it makes me feel quite vulnerable.

Matthew 6:34 actually states “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself...each day has enough trouble of its own.” 

2. Less Friends - Better Quality

I can not say this was my plan, but it worked out for the best I think, as painful as it was to experience.

Being a Pastor meant I had a large "friend" group or so I thought. Lots of people in my life who needed me, that I worked with. I had plenty of "people time".

As our world and role changed we lost so many friends and at a seemingly blinding pace.

While it was, and still is to some degree difficult to take, it also was setting me up for recovery.

I honestly believe now that less is best when it comes to really special friends.

Burnout recovery requires a special few people you can have relationship with.

People you can trust with your current state of mind and emotional quality.

Too many people will drain you. 

Go for quality over quantity.

Have people around you that you trust to say what you need to hear and in a way you might best receive it.

The crowd will only bring noise and cause you confusion and eventually retreat.

3. Simplify your Day

When I began a new career in the 90's I was introduced to quality diary use and planning.

It was based around making lists of what you needed to do each day and also attributing priority values to those lists. It really helped me in my new career.

Now leap forward several decades and I have lived my life by lists.

Lists of tasks. Task lists that were never ending. Lists that never were completed yesterday so spilled into the next day. You probably get the idea...

This model does not work when you are burned out!

Instead of big lists to do maybe have 1-3 acheivable things to do each day.

Start there and then review later on if you have energy for more.

Knowing you have achieved something each day, even if its small, is far more satisfying than knowing you never achieved everything!

4. Heathy in every sphere but not in a hurry

When I first considered my health seriously near the end of last year I initially wanted to get healthy like I did when I wasn't burned out. By creating an intense fitness and food plan. To go hard at it like I have in the past.

But the mere thought of tackling my health like this made me feel even more sick and ultimately not motivated.

So this time around I trying to get healthy at a pace I can live with.

If it takes me 2 years to lose some #lockdownlife flab so be it.

If it takes longer than that to run 10K reasonably comfortable like I used to do many days a week, well that's all good with me.

I reminded myself of this simple truth recently...

It took me years to get unhealthy. It is ok if it takes me years to get right. Just as long as I am heading in the right direction. 

And finally....

Go easier on yourself than you think you should at this time.

I have to keep reminding myself to keep reminding myself...

In my burnout, berating myself for my failure is easy for me.

If you are struggling please stop kicking yourself.

It might feel like you are doing something but that something is just hurting yourself.

I hope something of my journey helps someone out there?

Something to think about...

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You can now support me with "Buy Me A Coffee"

Hi there everyone!

Hoping you are all doing well right now...

After much encouragement from some of my other amazing readers I have finally setup a way to support this blog that I feel more comfortable with than other opportunities. 

I have never wanted to setup a pay to view system as I just want to freely give whatever I can in the hope it makes your life a little better one simple thought at a time.

But if you want to support what I have done and will do in the future, you can now do that with Buy Me A Coffee - I love coffee!

Please know I am super honoured just to you take the time to read my thoughts.

And if you would to support me, then that would be amazing :)

Thanks everyone!

Locky

Better to burn out than to fade away (my story right now and so far...)

What I going to share with you today is not news for me today, to share today.

It is not based on a moment of decision or even indecision.

It is predicated on a philosophy I picked up somewhere, maybe from everywhere, that resonated so strongly with something in me, that it became part of me without much filtering or ongoing review.

I have held a firm belief for as long as I can remember, that if I worked real real hard at absolutely everything, that the rewards would come. Like some mandated equation of the cosmos where you will "win" based on effort expressed. Rewards of "success", rewards of financial security, Church growth. ministry opportunities and more...

I have caught myself saying this phrase many times over the years...

"It is better to burn out than to fade away"

Honestly is was more of who I am than I cared to admit, even if I said on some level that I was joking.

No, the Bible doesn't give this as a life rule to live by.

No, there was not a person who told me to directly to live like this in my formative years.

It was something that my soul liked the sound of when it caught wind of it floating in the breeze and to which my flesh propelled me forward for decades.

So here I am.

Beginning 2021 in some way the same as I finished 2020.

Officially burned out.

That silly little phrase played out just as it said. 

Maybe it could be said that it had some prophetic power over me?

I left full-time ministry and official Church life at the beginning of August last year unaware just how burned out I was. Others could see it. I simply couldn't. Still wanted to charge on. Still wanting to live on the vapours left in my tank. To stop meant every conceivable negative for me, failure, defeat, perceived laziness even...

A couple of days a go as I was riding my bike that phrase entered my mind I thought somewhat randomly. It caused me to do some research into its potential origins and more.

I wouldn't say it was an epiphany moment. Maybe one of much needed clarity.

A movie I watched as a teenager and really enjoyed was called the Highlander.

A mythical story about an immortal Scottish Warrior (my heritage so intrigued me on some level) who fought evil. In the soundtrack by Queen there it is "better to burn out than fade away"

A "cool" band from the 80's that I loved was Def Leppard.

Their song Rock of Ages kicks off lyrically with this...

"Gunter gleiben glauchen globen

All right

I got somethin' to say

Yeah, it's better to burn out

Yeah, than fade away"

Influential musician Kurt Corbain sadly gave up on life in 1994 in a tragic and dramatic fashion. 

I learnt today while researching this topic, that his suicide note actually included a very similar phrase and sentiment. I also learnt that Neil Young and others have over the years penned lyrics of a similar vain.

Wow, this simple phrase is not just a phrase at all.

It has honestly damaged me. And it has gone as far as to destroy others.

So where to from here?

Honestly I sort of know and sort of don't.

I am really just taking it slow (the opposite of my personality).

I am trying to rebuild many areas of my life.

I am trying to heal and learn at the same time.

My hope right now is not for restoration to where I was before. Yuck.

What I really want I guess is be better and be better.

Better on the inside of me and better at living this life God has graciously given me.

Right now I am not sure how to close this off.

My normal would be a scripture or a challenge kind of thing...

Maybe I just want you know a little of story as part of my journey going forward?

Maybe this is for me more than you?

Wherever you are and whoever you are, thanks for reading.

Be yourself, be who God made you to be, listen for His voice.

And know people like think you are awesome!

The story isn't over yet...

Hope to share with you again real soon!

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